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I just wanted to stay in bed curled up with my blankets and cry all day. I don't want to have to pretend to be ok in front of my family, I don't want to pretend to be civil towards my sister. She recently had the audacity to tell me she needs us to fix our "sisterhood" (as she put it) I told her it wasn't going to happen and that it was innapropriate to ask me that. I hung up the phone and instantly started having a panic attack that lasted for an hour. At least it was only an hour. It bothers me that something so simple and quick can envoke such a strong emotional response still. Sunday my family has dinner, mainly for my grandpa, well thats when I see her. I don't choose to see her any other time. Usually if I take enough anti-anxiety meds and have someone with me I can look through her and block out the sound of her voice. Then there are the days that I know its going to be hard, no matter how many drugs I take nothing blocks her out of my view. She doesn't even look the same to me as she does to everyone else, even the sound of her voice is different. Its like I can see and hear whats on the inside instead of the illusion she presents to everyone else. I know by the end of today I'll have self injured. I've been burning lately, it seems to be my newest vice. Its more painful than cutting and it takes longer to heal. The scars look disgusting. It matches how I feel inside sometimes. I hate how low I get around the holidays. I love when I feel good, when I can get up before one in the afternoon and shower and do my hair and make-up and clean. Hell even being able to go to the store is an accomplishment! I wish I had consistancy with my moods. I wish the physical weight of depression would lift, I just feel so heavy the past few days. I truely despise the depression the holidays bring.
