rutowsle's Journal

It's so odd to go back and read my past entries. My abortion seems like a different lifetime. Christmas time was hard because thats when I would have been due. Brian also made it clear that he didn't agree with abortion but agreed that it was the best choice for me to make under the circumstances. May 8th came and went and I was so busy I didn't bat an eye. I look back now and still regret and I know I always will but I don't know how things would have turned out if I had tried to carry to term. I know I'm in the best place that I've ever been but could it have been better? I always wonder if I'm a bad person because of what I've done. But who's opinion matters most? Mine or everyone else's?

Mother's Day was weird, I wasn't sure if I had the right to feel upset. I made my decision knowing every reason was rational, but I keep thinking that I "should" be more upset. There is definately a social stigma that you are supposed to be really upset about terminating a pregnancy but I know it was the right choice for me and the fetus. With my health the way it is it would have been a very high risk pregnancy, and the fetus would not have survived. I certainly couldn't count on a miscarriage though. I don't feel like I'm trying to convince myself but I feel like I need to convince others. I feel so judged but I'm the one judging myself. I know everyone has their own beliefs and I am fine with that, I know why I did it and I know what I believe and I am ok with it. But I almost think I'm TOO ok with it. More like I'm cold-hearted... I am trying to be confindent in the fact that this just proves how much emotional control I have now vs. three years ago when I first started therapy. Should I feel like a bad person or is ok that I'm ok? And why is this what has to bother me? I just aborted my first child! I should be able to mourn that and not feel llike I'm supposed to mourn it according to the general idea that society presents. God does that even make sense?! Am I just fuckin crazy? I can't believe I had an abortion... It seems so surreal now! I never percieved it as more than a biological response to a physical action, it was never a baby to me. It was a vessel at this point and that was all. Now I feel like I'm supposed to feel worse than I do. I can't believe how much societies generalized views have affected my mindset now. I wish I knew if this was a normal way to feel in this circumstance. This is just so foriegn to me. I don't know what to think, or say, or do. What do I do now??????

My prayer to the soul inside me:
I pray that you understand why this is the best choice for us both. I pray that you will come back to me when I can be the mother that you disserve. I pray that if I no longer disserve you that you will bless someone who is desprately wanting a baby to love. I pray that you can forgive me for my selfishness and I pray that you have recieved from me the love that I cannot aknowledge that I have. Just know that I am sorry.