pianogirl's Journal

Trying to stay strong and keep myself busy  looking for new things.  I keep hoping to receive some encouraging signs from my H but none are there.  I guess he has none to give.  I'm trying very hard to let go, but my stomach is churning and the tears are always right there on the surface.  Joined a book club and a hiking club through meetup.com, but can't attend their weekend activities because of my daughter's soccer tournament so I'll keep trying to work them into my schedule.  They sounded like fun things to try.

I'll admit I still struggle with how someone can just let their love die.  If it was so wonderful, why would you let it just fizzle out?  My love didn't, so it's so hard for me to understand.  I know the freshness and newness of an attraction always fades, but real love gets richer and deeper.  At least for me.  I am beginning to suspect he really isn't capable of true love except for himself.  I know he may find other women more attractive, perhaps smarter, perhaps they are better in bed, but he'll never find anyone that can love him more than I did.  It was really intense.  After all I've done for him over the years, I can't believe he doesn't see that.  He just doesn't get it.  There's really nothing I can do about it, though.

I don't know why I deluded myself for so long about him and let myself believe what we had was real and lasting.  I should have known better, but I guess I was in denial.  It's hard to admit how blind I was.  His behavior with me has been unacceptable and I let him get away with it.  I will keep trying to get strong enough to end this charade and hope for the best with the kids.  They are going to suffer pain and heartache, and I'm not strong enough myself yet to get them through it.