sarahso's Journal

Today has been a really crap day again. I have felt so tired all day and been emotional as hell. I went to the hospital last night to see my step nan and she had another fall during the day, taking that to 4 since she has been in hospital. They had put her onto oxygen again and she looked really ill. Not only that but she is really confused, they took her off all strong pain killers all she has now is paracetamol, which she is fine with so it's not that.

She can only remember people from a long time ago and because i have only known her for a couple of years she seems a bit confused about who i am.

I went to college today and nearly broke down god knows how many times. When i took my camera back to the stores a member of staff asked if i had had a good weekend and that was it is was off, i had to tell myself that "i'm not doing this, not today". That seemed to dry up the tears anyway. On top of that i have been sneaking off to the toilets all day and cutting my legs. Since my step mom found out that i had started cutting again she always checks my arms out of the corner of her eye, but hey she never gets chance ot check my legs. I'm back to square one again though, i can't talk to people and it seems as if cutting is my only way to get things out at the moment. It won't say that i'm an attention seeker or make me feel bad for doing it, it's just there to help.

Time to go up the hospital now, but i hope you are all well x

Went to the hospital and she isn't well, one of the women on the ward had to press the emergency buzzer, because she was trying to climb over the bed bars, i'm so worried and i know i not the only one, but it seems that i'm getting the tail end of everyones anger, i cut again 2nite, but it really isolates you and makes everything so difficult, on the other hand it's the easiest thing to help me cope.