sarahso's Journal

Today, i have completly lost the plot...i feel dead and i'm just so emotionally exhausted. The fun started on halloween (not). It started off a great night, the kids were knocking on the door, looking sweet and precious and i was up and down like a yo-yo, answering the door and dishing out sweets, it was great. I hadn't done it for atleast 10 years and back then it was me trick or treating lol. Anyway things died down about 9-10pm and i sat down with the family to watch most haunted live (a must for halloween) we all loved it and went up to bed with smiles on our faces. I stayed downstairs for a while and checked my emails and things..just as i was going upstairs, my nans bedroom door (downstairs) opened. With all the confusion she has been having i thought that perhaps she had woken up and thought it was morning again, i told her it was still night time and that i would help her back to bed....she refused though and was very assertive when it came to the fact that she wasn't going to bed. My mom came down and we tried to physically move her body back towards her bed, but she couldn't do it, so we sat her down on a chair by the door while she got her strength back, she didn't though and when we looked she had gone to the toilet on the floor and in her bed, which worried us considering thats not like her at all. When we tried to talk to her she didn't want to listen and i don't think she really understood. Earlier that day my dad had found her wondering in the kitchen claiming that a lion was chasing her and when we asked her she just said that it wasn't really chasing her, it was having a baby. After that and many other severe instances of confusion throughout the day, my mom called an ambulance. She has been in hospital ever since...she now has a rash, a heart murmur and even more confused. My mom went in today and she had forgotton that her husband had died and wanted to know when he was coming to see her, my mom had to explain that he had died 10 years ago, she had forgot though and has had to start grieving for him all over again....In complete honesty....though it breaks my heart to think it and even more to say it...i don't think she is coming home. She seems too far gone this time.

I just can't deal with any of it at the moment and i started self-harming again tonight and although that relieved some of my pain...i'm still hurting and i start back at college 2moro, so i will just have to see what happens..but needed to vent and feel bit better for it....i hope you are all well xx

OMG...I can't believe it's been so long since i was on here last. Plenty of things have changed over the past few months and we had our stressful week, which seems to to happen every 4-6 weeks lol. It all started with my step mom, she had to go into hospital for a pretty routine exploritory surgery...It all went well and she came out on the tuesday. In the meantime i had been getting extremly severe back pain to the point where i couldn't physically get in and out of bed, or sit down or lie down,walk.......I called NHS direct and she said that it sounded as though i had just strained my back and told me to do exercises and things..So i tried it and i ended up doubled over i agony. Me being me though i left it and thought it would go away..Anyway my step mom came out of hospital, and my tail bone had swollen up and i had a lump the size of a golf ball, so she took me down to A&E, despite the fact she had only been out of hospital a day and they said it was an abcess and i found out that i had to have surgery.

They put me on ward 14 (the same ward as my step mom had just come out of)..had my op all went well. Then my step mom found out she had a post op infection, from the ward, because there were infections flying round it apparently. Great news for me..They did check for an infection as i wasn't well, but it was fine. Thank God. Still healing and having dressing changed everyday, but i can do everything, without pain. Apparently, the reason i couldn't use my legs properly was because it was putting pressure on my spine, so was very relieved, that i got it sorted. My step nan has had phnemonia and low salt levels, which have been causing confusion with her and has resulted in a hospital stay and numerous visits by the doctor. My sister found out she has PCOS. My nan had gout, one of the cats had to be put to sleep..oh and i had an allergic reaction lol. I give up trying to remember everything that has gone wrong this month :)

On the up side..i have a job as a night receptionist...i have my first training shift in 17 hours. I work 10pm-7am, which is fine by me. It's 5am now and just trying to get in the routine of stayin up at night and sleepin in the day. It so hard though :( I don't know what i would do without coffee lol.

Anyway..i hope you are all well and look forward to hearing from you all soon xxx Sarah xxx

Things did pick up for a while, but today i just feel like a bomb that is ready to explode any moment. My step nan came out of hospital yesterday which was really nice, then today came and the rules have be rewritten. When she came out of hospital a few weeks ago, the rules were simple if she wanted anything doing she had to do it herself although we would assist if she needed it.

Today however my step mom has turned round and said that she doesn't have to make her lunch someone else will do it for her, i don't know if that includes drinks too. What is that going to teach her really though. She can get quite lazy when it comes to doing things anyway, so by making her food and things is just going to disintergrate her independence then we will be doing everything for her. There are only a few weeks until we all start school, college work etc and nobody will be home, what is she going to do then? Sit in her chair waiting for someone to hand her everything on a plate. I don't think so.

Enough about that though. I gave my step mom the link for my journal so i guess she can check it whenever she likes but at the end of the day everything i write in here i tell her about and she knows how i feel about certain situatuion so i'm not holding back. Venting on here has always helped and i'm not going to stop that now. If she doesn't like it thats her own problem. As i said before i'm not "ILL" i'm human.

We go on holiday on saturday so i can't wait to get away and my step nan is coming so nobody will be running back and forward to check on her if she was in hospital.

From now on though in regards to my step nan i am just going to butt out and leave everyone to their own devices. She seems to forget that i have been through this on numerous occasions with my nan and that if my nan did what my step nan did or my step mom lets my step nan get away with what she is now, there is only result, dependence on other people. They have made their beds though so let them lie in them. I'm just letting them get on with it, alsong as they are not expecting me to wait on her hand and foot.

I feel a bit better getting that off my chest, but it's keeping it off i guess. I will be back very soon i'm sure :)