Aida's Journal

oooohhhh really how long can we drag this out? still he's refusing to sign the separation agreement--not that I want him to sign it without discussion. I want him to sit down with me and talk it out--point by point so he'll be happy with it too. But he doesn't want to be divorced. He wants to continue to be married for our daughter's sake!?!?!? Good God! I really think that would be the biggest mistake of all time. Fighting non-stop.Him doing as he pleased, making me look like I am the crazy one.
Really, I am feeling like crap lately and it's because I am not standingup for myself, becuase I am letting him string me along AGAIN!!!!
OH damn it. I have to get out of this. THERE IS NO HOPE OF RECONCIOLIATION> I DON'T WANT IT! IT IS NOT HEALTHY FOR ME OR CARMEN OR HIM!
And I don't want to stay dependent on him for handouts of groceries when he feels like it, or to mow the lawn, or to paint the house. I want him out. I want to move on. Yes, we have to raise Carmen together, but I ---oh I'm a little stuck here. I don't trust his judgement, but I'll have to. He makes me kind of sick here. He uses drugs, drinks too much, has questionable morals. Not that I'm a saint, but I am more centered on cleaning up my life so she has something to look to in order to see stability. But yet she loves him, which she has the need to. I don't. He repulses me.
I want finality. 6 more months until September!!! O God! Are we going to have to fight this out in court? Am I going to have lost this $6K for a separation agreement. I don't wish that I had never met him because then I wouldn't have Carmen--besides that's fruitless thinking, but damn, he is being so ridiculous. There is no going back, so why not move forward?
I cannot stand his way of being.....