Aida's Journal

Dear A,
You want to know why the marriage didn't work. I could say that it was because of addictions and leave it at that. I could say that it was because of emotional and verbal abuse on both of our parts and leave it at that. I could say that we built this marriage on a foundation of mistrust. There was never a time in the whole 12 years I've known you that I've trusted you. I have trusted others in my life, so I don't see that as something inherent in me.
Let's see, the fact that your son from another relationship was born at the beginning of the same year that we were married is pretty significant. The fact that I had just been told, two months earlier, by someone that he did not want to marry me, and then four months after that news, I was pregnant by you, well that's signicant too. That during this time I was not on any medication for my BP and that it was fall, one of my manic seasons, well, I can attribute that to some of my bad decision making. I certainly would not have decided to give up the child--our child--the beautiful girl who lights up my days and nights now. But I do think that I might have reconsidered whether we should have been married. I could have done it without the marriage part.
You once said, you first said actually, that we were married because I was pregnant. This devastated me. I wanted it to be that we were married because you loved me. You were right.
All along I suspected you were doing more that smoking pot and drinking. I confronted you often about doing coke. You denied it. When I found the tin underneath your car seat, you said it was meth and that someone had given it to you to try and that you hadn't and it had all evaporated. I believed it because I needed to. Now I don't.
I don't believe that you didn't molest C either. She couldn't have made up what she told me. And she changed her story to the social workers because she wanted to see her daddy. It's sick, but kids love their parents regardless of what they do to them. But I'm stuck. I'm really stuck. That happened after I cut the cord to our marriage. Who knows what you will continue to do over the years to chip away at her self confidence?
Why did I decide to finally cut the cord? Yes, that incident made me get the lawyer. The incident with the coke in the kitchen a few months before made me kick you out of the house.
Up until then I had been fighting my own demons. Knowing you were using and knowing that you were concealing things from me, little things, even if they were seemingly inconsequential, was driving me insane, triggering the BP symptom that you denied I had. Instead you thought that if I self-medicated with pot, I would be fine. It wasn't until last spring, when I really thought I was going to kill myself, when the thoughts would not go away, that I couldn't listen to you and your insistence that medications were equal to narcotics any longer. Your attempt to derail me by taking me to a bar didn't work either.
Dear God, then when the meds were the wrong meds and you offered no support...You just kept staying away more and more, and less money was coming in. And then the summer. Up late nights in the garage.
Oh I'm getting angrier as I write this. The past four years have been checkered with good times, but the majority has been shit. We have had to struggle to keep things smooth so that our daughter wasn't scarred and then you go and fuck with her by masterbating on her. You are a sick fuck. And though I have no say in the matter, I do hope you rot in hell.