Aida's Journal

Tossing and turning in my sleep. I finally realized God was asking me to get up and read. I opened to the last bit of Job where God is talking to Job about the leviathan. Then it tells about how the second half of Job's life was richer than the first, that he had 3 daughters and many sons--it actually names the daughters, not the sons! Oh how I love Job! You know, whoever was in charge of putting together that section of the OT was really on target--Esther, Book of Job, Pslams, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon Isaiah--all amazing books.
So what this divorce has done for me has been to focus me more on God, and for that I am grateful. With the experience that I will never know fully what happened between Carmen and her father, I am confident that God knows how to tame the levithan: God knows what a horrible creature it is too. I speak in metaphors here because I do believe something happened and having to face him everyday, having to turn her over to him knowing that she loves him and needs her father's love, but also having to be vigilant and never letting her get too close: Oh sometimes it's unbearable!
So I am grateful for the strength I am finding and have found.
You know, I wonder what the future holds. I am starting to feel lonely, to want to be with someone, but #1: I'm not even divorced yet: #2, I am so broken, I can't imagine the kind of baggage I'm pulling, hence the kind of baggage I'll attract, #3, I can't even find time to get the house clean and my job done, let alone time to go out for adult time! All in due time.
As for him...inch by inch. I want to move away from my dependence. I did mow the lawn the other day. Yeh, people are right, it will easily take two years to get over this, to get back on my feet. That's OK. I'm ok with that. I have a lot to do in the mean time. A really precious gift to take care of...