Aida's Journal

I did it! I sen them out alone and didn't feel bad about it. I did worry a little bit, but I think it went well. I know I was happier for it--not having to deal with dad and his lack of parenting. I also was able to get him a present and a bday cake, do the show for Carmen's sake, but not get wrapped up. It's a step. Now I need to remember that I can do it!

Today I bought tickets to 3 concerts--2 to each one. So now I have to find someone who will go with me. A man or a woman...the point is it's a date for me. I am excited. Aaron called today all excited, telling me how much he loved me and how he just couldn't bring himself to be with anyone else. I managed to get something out about how we had to move on and how falling back on each other would not help us. But the he started talking sexual and it made me sick. I got some good feeling from him telling me he loved me. To know there is a man who "loves" me feels good. But it is not the kind of love I need. Or want. I want to be capable of a receiving and giving a more unconditional and accepting kind of love.

I think things are hard here. Harder for me to break through the surface of these people. I wish I could let down my guard a little more. I did yesterday and I felt like I shocked some people. It's not really letting down my guard--i.e. trusting my colleauges more--rather it's letting me be me. I feel more me when I'm with Mark and Susan than when I'm with Elaine and her friends. They do wierd things like ask me about Carmen and then start talking about something else almost immediately. Thanks, but no thanks. I think that's rude. 

But it's not about them. I have to get along with them, and I do like them and will be nice to them, but they are not  where I will store my treasure or count my blessings. I am excited about the church and actually about soccer. I am excited about Daisy's though I haven't met anyone yet.

I think building a support network that is not just about meeting men and not about going out for drinks is really important now. What I am trying to do is build a base for Carmen and me--friends outside of work to whom we can look for fun and in times of trouble. 

Also, I just love cultural events.That stuff is fun for me too. I think this week has helped me feel more comfortable in assuring that I am here to work and that my daughter is in a safe place where she can learn during the day. I hope that I can open myself up to being me a little more.

Elaine is strange. I don't think she's a Lil, but I think she has expectations of me that are not grounded in reality. I hope to keep her friendship and build on it, but I think I have to be careful to read her.

 So I think I am moving closer to the goal of not being so dependent on Aaron. This week when Carmen did the crappy thing of telling the teacher at school that I slapped her legs, I didn't call him. I called dad, and actually that really helped me in many ways. 

So I'll give myself 5%.

Peace,

Yesterday morning I lost my cool, and I slapped my daughter on the legs. I did this right before school, which was wrong--wrong for many reasons. I grew up in a house where physical punishment was equal to discipline. That's just how we were disciplined. It went way overboard so many times. I have tried VERY hard not to use physical punishment on my daughter at all, but I have, though never to the point of leaving visual marks. I am constantly in the process of trying to improve my parenting, and my daughter, unfortunately I think, knows my extreme guilt over spanking. I really just need to take it off the table completely as an option for discipline (really it's punishment).

Anyway, so when I pick her up yesterday, the second thing she says to me is, "Mommy, I told some people that you hit me this morning." Holy shit! I just about started having mental fireworks go off in my head. Would DSS be calling me? Would I lose my child because I spanked her? So as soon as we got outside, I started grilling her. She was a clam. She couldn't remember who she told, she said. I think I got it out of her that she told her teacher, but now I'm getting ready to go to her school to volunteer, and I'm going to walk in that door not knowing what was said.

I will hold my head high, knowing that I do my best for my daughter. I DO fall short at times. I prayed for forgiveness last night...even apologized to her for losing my cool. But if anyone at the school were to say something to me, I would tell them that my daughter had said something to me about telling them. That I hate that Carmen's behavior was bad yesterday and that I lost my temper. That if they have fears that I am not a good enough mother that they might consider watching Carmen closely and then follow the proper procedures for filing a report. I don't feel that I need to go on the defensive before someone says something, but I don't know how else to handle it fi someone does.

Parenting a smart kid is hard!