MeganMc's Journal

Alone time is not so good. I went running alone today and wrote an imaginary letter to the OW. I told her everything I've ever wanted to and I simply became angrier and angrier. I felt so full of hatred, it was frightening. I never knew I could despise someone so much. And I never knew I could think of saying such horrible things to another woman and mother. Granted I didn't actually write it down and didn't say any of it out loud, it was just painful to know all of that can be in me. I was just running faster and crying and bitching in my mind all alone. I really hate this process.

I think things are resurfacing again because next Wed. I go for my yearly exam and I will have std tests done. My husband has had the preliminary tests, but not the big, bad ugly ones that take 6 months before showing up. I'm so humilaiated and embarrassed. My OB/GYN is so adorable. Only a couple years older than me with an amazing wife and children. He has delivered all three of my children and as he says I am in the top 3 of his favorite patients. He cried with me when I told him I would be needing std tests because he can't imagine anyone hurting children in such a selfish way. I practically have lived in that clinic for the last 5 years. All three of my children are under 5, so some of my favorite people are there. This is a huge pride issue for me and its difficult to get past.

On a brighter note, my bathroom is coming along beautifully. The top half is the best color red I've ever seen, but the bottom half, the wainscoating (sp?), is in need of some more help. I've currently run out of steam because I think I need a better color on the bottom. Ultra Pure White against the best ever red just isn't cutting it. Next week I'll tackle it.

I'm hosting a dinner here this Friday night with two neighborhood families. It's a great excuse to work my butt off getting my house in order. I always feel better when my mess is cleared. In my house and in life, it seems!!

One other big thing I'm going to tackle, whether we can afford it or not, is my application to grad. school. I've wanted to go for a few years now, but have always put it off for the sake of our finances and children. Our kids are old enough now, and my husband has been itching to get me working full time. Besides, I have to be in a better place to provide financially for my children if my husband and I don't make it. He only barely can provide for us on his income alone with one household. We would be SOL with two households.

I'm also praying like mad for my oldest boy's Kindergarten applications. It's ridiculous! It's like waiting to hear from colleges! He is in four different school's lottery's and we will find out all results by the end of the month. One by one the schools will be notifying us and I am a little worried. I toured tons of schools and did my research. Now I simply have to trust that God will provide the right place for our little guy and his siblings in the years to come.
I guess I'm a little long winded tonight. Husband is at a friend's house and Lost hasn't started.