Date with dancing girl tonight. …
Date with dancing girl tonight. Details next week!
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It's been a while since I have written a journal entry. I seem to get more from the discussions.
I had asked if they ever went on a "date". You know, to lunch, dinner, coffee, etc. He said, no, no, no. except for the one coffee date I knew about. Last night I learned he went out a few times with her. To a bar, to lunch, to meet her at my favorite restaurant that I introduced him to. He claimed he didn't think of them as "dates".
There were other details and omissions like this concerning the details that came out in the open last night after he gave it a little extra thought.
So, what do I know that is new? A few more details. But really its all old stuff. He is a liar. Has continued to be a liar. He has disgraced our marriage and doesn't show the remorse I would hope for. He claims whatever he does will never be enough for me. Maybe it won't. It is in his nature to just give up and throw in the towel. If it won't guarantee his success, then he won't even try. What a coward.
Interestenly, I wasn't hurt by the new info. I'm just disgusted, as I have been by all of it.
I had asked if they ever went on a "date". You know, to lunch, dinner, coffee, etc. He said, no, no, no. except for the one coffee date I knew about. Last night I learned he went out a few times with her. To a bar, to lunch, to meet her at my favorite restaurant that I introduced him to. He claimed he didn't think of them as "dates".
There were other details and omissions like this concerning the details that came out in the open last night after he gave it a little extra thought.
So, what do I know that is new? A few more details. But really its all old stuff. He is a liar. Has continued to be a liar. He has disgraced our marriage and doesn't show the remorse I would hope for. He claims whatever he does will never be enough for me. Maybe it won't. It is in his nature to just give up and throw in the towel. If it won't guarantee his success, then he won't even try. What a coward.
Interestenly, I wasn't hurt by the new info. I'm just disgusted, as I have been by all of it.
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How much do the details really matter? It only made me feel worse knowing more, although I longed to know more. I obscessed to know more just so I could catch him in another lie. The "truth" of the matter is that he lied and may continue to lie to cover up that big "lie". But, you know this already. And, it only makes us feels worse when we continue to harbor these horrble feelings. So try to look at it more positively, which is easier said than done. Try to move forward. Nothing we say or do can erase what has happened. I repeat, nothing we say or do can change what has happened (I wish so badly that I could erase this). So the quicker we try to forgive, the easier it is on our spirit. Nothing about this IS easy, I know. For some reason, God allowed this to happen. (Still somewhat of a mystery to me.) But, he is trying to teach you and your husband something. Try to lean on Him for comfort and strength. Confess to Him your bitterness, anger, contempt, hate, lovelessness, etc, and ask Him to deliver you from this painful emotions. And, if you believe that anyone can help, I know He can. I had been trying to stay mad because I AM SUPPOSED TO be mad, right? And, sometimes I get so angry I could scream. But, it IS getting better. But, I couldn't do it alone. My strength continuous fell short. And, I thought, how could I love somebody who could hurt me like this. But, if you didn't love him, faults and all, you wouldn't be so hurt be it. (I hope this helps you as much as some of these things are helping me...) I recently started reading another book titled Praying for Your Husband by Stormie Omartian which is helping me. (I never finished Total Forgiveness by Pastor RT Kendall but it was helpful.) I am trying to strengthen my walk with God and through it all make a better marriage because that is how God ultimately wants it to be. (Another long one, I hope it helps some.)
strong
People have free will. Not everything happens for a "reason." It is never God's will for bad things to happen. Don't buy into that. But only God can give us the strength to deal with the bad stuff.
Isn't it amazing? The semantics of it all? My husband does the same thing. "Date? No. It wasn't a 'date'. We just went out." If it's not a date, what is it then? He does the same thing when describing his feelings for her. These little omissions aren't really so little or else they wouldn't be omissions. They know perfectly well that what they are omitting will hurt us or else they would tell us. Don't let him play ignorant.
StephM