MeganMc's Journal

I had one my first experiences of feeling my "skin crawl" as the image of the two of them together swept over me. We were laying in bed, ready to sleep, and things were fine. Suddenly, that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach began and spread throughout my whole body to the tips of my fingers. I cried and he tried to console me, but him touching me made me nausious. He chose her to get turned on by time and time again. It is the grossest thing and I can't imagine how it happened. I just had to get away from him. As soon as I was on the couch, I was able to fall right to sleep.
I had my std tests done yesterday. I'll get the results in a week. How embarrassing!

I had a great day with my kids. While in the process of orgainizing our activity cupboard, we did tons of crafts. And, as I dug through their old baby clothes in the attic to gather things for our summer garage sale they played and played and I still felt a part of it all. Nothing like a good multi-tasking day! Although I can't purge my marriage of the indecency and pain my husband brought I can purge my house of clutter! Man, I'm becoming my mother!! I really don't have any level of OCD, but looking at how often I write about cleaning and organizing you would think I do! I think I get so excited about an organized enviroment because its so rare in my home!

Looking forward to the weekend. Hope you all are too!

Things are okay. I ran with a running group tonight for the first time and it was great. I ran much faster and longer and I didn't have a moment to think about the past 6 months.
We entertained friends for the first time since the affair last Friday and that went really well too. It was excellent to get my house in order and the kiddos had so much fun!
I'm bummed because the Master's program I wanted to begin no longer exists. There are others that I am now pursuing, but the price and timing of the other was better. Oh well.
Our luck also isn't so great with the Kindergarten options. My son is on waiting lists, #22 in one school and #72 in the other:( We have one more to wait on, then I guess I begin exploring other options. Yuck.
I have to see my OB/GYN tomorrow for my yearly and to have std tests done. Yuck again.
I went to see a shrink, so that I can get on better meds. I'm running out of Lexapro and am not sure it was really the right drug anyway. I'm exhausted all the time and I still freak out and get obsessive in this nasty cycle of grief. I'm hoping to be numb for the next 10 years or so. What is so ironic is that I never ever was someone who thought drugs were an answer. Wow, how things change!!
In all of the ways that I can control my life and my health, I'm pleased. With my marriage, not so much. I simply don't think things can ever truly be repaired. I am lonely and I feel like I've given and tried as much as I can. I'm still committed to not making any decisions for a year. I will stick to that.

Alone time is not so good. I went running alone today and wrote an imaginary letter to the OW. I told her everything I've ever wanted to and I simply became angrier and angrier. I felt so full of hatred, it was frightening. I never knew I could despise someone so much. And I never knew I could think of saying such horrible things to another woman and mother. Granted I didn't actually write it down and didn't say any of it out loud, it was just painful to know all of that can be in me. I was just running faster and crying and bitching in my mind all alone. I really hate this process.

I think things are resurfacing again because next Wed. I go for my yearly exam and I will have std tests done. My husband has had the preliminary tests, but not the big, bad ugly ones that take 6 months before showing up. I'm so humilaiated and embarrassed. My OB/GYN is so adorable. Only a couple years older than me with an amazing wife and children. He has delivered all three of my children and as he says I am in the top 3 of his favorite patients. He cried with me when I told him I would be needing std tests because he can't imagine anyone hurting children in such a selfish way. I practically have lived in that clinic for the last 5 years. All three of my children are under 5, so some of my favorite people are there. This is a huge pride issue for me and its difficult to get past.

On a brighter note, my bathroom is coming along beautifully. The top half is the best color red I've ever seen, but the bottom half, the wainscoating (sp?), is in need of some more help. I've currently run out of steam because I think I need a better color on the bottom. Ultra Pure White against the best ever red just isn't cutting it. Next week I'll tackle it.

I'm hosting a dinner here this Friday night with two neighborhood families. It's a great excuse to work my butt off getting my house in order. I always feel better when my mess is cleared. In my house and in life, it seems!!

One other big thing I'm going to tackle, whether we can afford it or not, is my application to grad. school. I've wanted to go for a few years now, but have always put it off for the sake of our finances and children. Our kids are old enough now, and my husband has been itching to get me working full time. Besides, I have to be in a better place to provide financially for my children if my husband and I don't make it. He only barely can provide for us on his income alone with one household. We would be SOL with two households.

I'm also praying like mad for my oldest boy's Kindergarten applications. It's ridiculous! It's like waiting to hear from colleges! He is in four different school's lottery's and we will find out all results by the end of the month. One by one the schools will be notifying us and I am a little worried. I toured tons of schools and did my research. Now I simply have to trust that God will provide the right place for our little guy and his siblings in the years to come.
I guess I'm a little long winded tonight. Husband is at a friend's house and Lost hasn't started.