lwells035's Journal

So I am officially 21 now! I had an amazing birthday evne tho some of my closest friends and guy wasn't able to make it to celebrate with me...I ended up spending the first part of the day relaxing and with family and that night had all my friends over for fajitas n mexican food. We then went to a mexican resturant for drinks where I had two jumbo margaritas and some shots. Normally I try to avoid drinks like this just because its so bad and full of cals but it was my birthday so naturally I was like what the hell! We then went to a couiple of bars and thats all I really remember. Apparently I had about 9 shots, half a bottle of champagne, and the two jumbo margs and paid for it the next day. I woke up sick with the worst hangover of my life, and some scrapes where apparently I fell out of the car? Yeah, I was embarassed bc I am not a big drinker but it was my 21st and if i am gonna do that and get drunk might as well be for that! I regretted it the WHOLE next day tho because I missed all my classes and felt gross and worthless! It ended okay tho.

Today was an amazing day! I made an A on a test in one of my harder classes and had an interview with a company for internship that went super well! I conluded the day with dinner with a good friend. I came home and feeling on cloud 9 and after walk I started with some birthday cake but didnt eat a whole lot because i really wanted icecream, so then I made a cone....and then I wasnt full and ate more cake. After that it triggered me and I ate peanut butter with chocolate chips and cookies...lovely. Now I feel like shit because I definately over-indulged today and my birthday and I dont want to fall into that habit. I have done so well minus that and have done worse in the past so i know this is just something i will forget about and move on from...I just hate how when u turn 21 everyone expects you to turn into an alcoholic who wants to go out and drink all the time and after my birthday i have no desire for that because even seeing anything alcholic makes me wanna puke!

Tomorrow is gonna be a super busy day and I am gonna try to wake up extra early before classses so i can work out and shower before I gotta leave at 8! I have classes all afternoon and dinner and stuff with the family afterwards and wanna be able to workout lifting in the afternoon...I know I have been working out alot lately but I ahve felt good doing it so i feel like it's okay. I am able to get back into running now which has been really nice!

B: cereal, banana yogurt

L: turkey and ham subway with baked chips and fun size m&ms

S: strawberries and luna bar

D: grilled chicken salad and crossaint

S: icecream cone, 2 big pieces of birthday cake....UGH then lots of peanut butter, piece of chocolate, chocolate chips, and 2 cookies

workout: bike 6 miles, walk 1.5 miles, run about 3?

My goal is to get nice abs like a 6 pack again...but in a healthy way while maintaining my weight at a good amount....I have been working out but definately slacking in doing abs and weights again...

Wow...lemme breath for a minute now that I am done with cycle 1 of my tests pretty much. Thank goodness because there is no way I could even try to make myself read any chapters of stuff tonight even if I had to I am burnt out!! I can't wait to get off of work and do whatever I want to do, including relax and maybe even watch some tv which I can't seem to remember the last time I sat down to watch a whole episode of something.

Okay so good news!!! I went to the dr yesterday and she was so happy with where I was at right now! My iron levels were still up and I didnt have to get iron iv treatment and my hemoglobin was normal so I have been maintaining that for 8 weeks now whcih is amazsing because usually I am getting low again by now. She was also glad I was up in my weight. I was 122 in may which I had no idea I had gotten that low. I am up to around 133 which I am happy with for my 5'10' height. She asked my goal weight and I really don't have one I just told her i wanted to be where i felt good at which definately wasnt when I was low because i had no energy and was so blah, but i feel so much better where i am at right now.

I feel gross and bloated and like I have been over-eating lately...whcih I probably have been eating a little more at least cereal wise and icecream later at night when I am studying but I am trying to listen to my body.

This morning I ate my breakfast and waited for it to sit but I still felt really hungry so I went and ate more cereal til I felt full. I felt guilty and like I had really overeaten but also glad I was listening and hope I needed it and wasnt just craving it...I have a hard time telling the difference sometimes but feel like I am on an okay path. I have been able to run more lately cept yesterday i ran and did a step class (which is what made me hurt my back tobegin with) and now I feel that pain again...but I want to run tonight when I get off to balance out the icecream i want to eat later tonight among the other things....

B: oatmeal with blueberries

S: big bowl of cereal

L: turkey chef salad and yogurt

S: luna bar and pb crackers

D:???

workout: bike 7 miles, walk 1.5, and hopefully run intervals or at least 1.5 miles

i just binge ate. it's like i knew it was coming and right now i am hating myself even tho i was loving the moment of being able to eat anything and everything and not giving a damn about it. i wish i would have eaten something more "unhealthy" tho like donuts or fried chicken tenders and french fries and wasted away those calories on stuff like that i normally dont allow myself to eat. instead it was filled with the usual crap.

i knew i should have goen to class after my test today, or to the mall instead of the grocery store so i wouldnt have came home alone and done this. i even planned to go to a workout class and only started to eat to tide me over before i could eat lunch afterwards and instead it turned into this. horrible and pathetic. now i want to do nothing tonight or the whole rest of the day...cept maybe eat some of those chicken tenders i have going through my mind. i have already consumed about 2400 calories and its only 11:45. what the hell am i gonna do the rest of the day?? i cant go out with friends now bc i def dont need to drink or be tempted to. i feel worthless and gross and i have every right to.