crystal00's Journal

Well two more days until my bloodwork which means 9 days until i can get the results. My husband and I still had some fun during the days i should have been fertile (i should have o'ed on the 21st) so i hope that something will happen and if its hormones we can catch it ahead of time. All we can do is try. But i'm just so frustrated...i think so far 6 friends have become pregnant in the last few months and i'm soo jealous. why can't that be me? i've always wanted to have two children of my very own...someone to call me mom. i  want to be a mother more than i've ever wanted anything in my life. but right now i'd even settle for having one child. i just dont understand why things have to be so complicated and confusing. i know i'm defineately not the only one who is going through or has gone through this but somehow i still feel all alone...like no one could possibly understand the feelings deep inside...not even my husband. i think we just seem to see things so differently...its different for me because even though i may not have been very far along with all 3 m/c, i still felt life. i wonder if others feel that way as well. my worst fear is that the test results will come back normal and then i'll be at square one once again with nowhere to turn. i want to be positive but i'm afraid that if i am i will be letting myself down if my hormones are normal. the worst part is that i also take a med for my kidney dysfunction so they may cause miscarriage as well but there hasnt been enough testing done to really know. but i am not able to come off it because it seems to be the only thing that has been helping me for the past few years. i truly pray it's not that although i do know of women having children while on this drug...it just requires more monitoring (more u/s) than a normal routine pregnancy. sorry for ranting on but it helps me somewhat to be able to write down the words i cant express out loud.