mparmy's Journal

so lastnight after i was on here, it was bad.  I went upstairs to go to bed and all I could do was cry.  I seriously thought that I had cried so much that I just couldn't anymore, but I couldn't find a way to stop.  So I started writing.  I started a new journal, just for my feelings about this.  I guess you could call it more of a letter to him.. even though I'll never show it to him.  But I write like I'm talking to him, rather than to just some nonexistent being.  I think it's easier for me to write like that.  Cuz even though I know he's not hearing what I'm saying, I feel like I'm getting it out and venting to him. 

I think what really got me though, was that I hadn't talked to him all day yesterday (well, since he called me at 0900).  Monday night before we went to bed, we had a little fight.  Okay, more than a little fight.  I was just really upset, and started crying and he was getting mad at me cuz I wouldn't stop.  For a while he just laid there in bed and ignored me, but then he finally got up and started fighting with me.  I wish he would just understand sometimes that I just NEED to cry.  Especially in this situation.  He always asks me what's wrong or what's bothering me when I cry.  It's been the same thing for the last month and a half!  He's not going to be here, and he just doesn't get how hard that is on me.  SO anyways, he started yelling at me, telling me to come to bed and stop crying, that I was being fucking ridiculous, that he promises he'll come home, that he is losing a lot more than me...  which I know he is.. he has to leave everyone, his parents, his son, his friends... and we're all just losing him.  But when he is one of the most important people in my life, I can't just accept it and get over it so easily.  Finally after this went on for like two hours, I calmed down, and we went to bed.  All I wanted him to do was hold me in his arms for the last few hours we could be together. 

It really hit me though, lastnight, when I hadn't talked to him all day, and today I haven't heard from him.  It made me realize how spoiled I have been the last three weeks that he's been gone.  I've talked to him everyday at least once, sometimes like 4 or 5 times a day.  So having to go to bed lastnight without being able to tell him good night and that I love him, was so hard for me.  That was the first night in 8 months that I haven't done that.  It made me realize that it's gonna be like that though.  When he's in Iraq, I won't be able to talk to him everyday.  Maybe not even every week.  That is really going to be the hardest thing..not hearing his voice.  I just kept calling his phone lastnight too, knowing it would go to voicemail, but at least I got to hear his voice.