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hey yall just me being me again nothing much to do latley besides working and hangin out... i got into annother argument with my mom last ngiht about why im going to join the marienes n that i wont b going for a career or special job the fact that im going to go infantry so i can fight. she cried alot about it and it kinda made me feel bad about my descision to join but i cant let that get in my way, plus i still have annother year untill i would leave. it kinda pisses me off how much i care sometimes my father passed on a biligerant bad temper to me and my brother and my mother passed on a conscience and my brother seems to have just a bad temper mostley and i have temper but it makes it so hard to have so much hate and a loving caring side, it gets ratrher annoying to go out and get drunk and get into fights and then feel shitty about it in the morning. most the time im not even paying attenton to people but fighting with myself over shit that ive done. well anywayz im out for now i guess ill catch yall later.
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fuck sleep in it fucking ass, this is bullshit i just got done working 6 days a week for 3 weeks im exhausted and sleep wont take me to the one place i can b happy. the only time im at peace and in a world that i can take with some measure of happiness is in my dreams. im seriously starting to think about hw i can steal sedatives fomr cayuga medical, this is getting out of hand, i swear the line form sedatives by ICP rlly hits home " the only time im at peace is when i aint even there, god tell me why the fuck am i here" sry if im a lil pissed but my minds racing my hearts pounding in my ears and my hands r so tense its hard to type it feels liek somthings trying to rip its way outta my chest. all i can think about is how many times i fucked up and how many times i hurt the people i cared about the people who cared about me.. my counsounse feels like a sledge hammer beating me in the back. so maybe this will help
even tho most people wont read this
im sorry ,mom ,ryan, heather, sarah H, robby, Kelly, kristy, tim, kelly again, natasha, mellisa, tiffany, ali, bobby, alesha, ashley, andrea, g-ma, g-pa, sharah S, sarah V, lauren, laura, sean, molly, kitty, michelle, and most of all Trisha i rlly screwd the pooch with her. but anywayz ive hurt you all weither intentionally or accidentally and most of you still stuck with me. which made me feel worse about myself because it proved how much of a selfish dick head i was being.. over the last 3 years ive tried to forgive myself for what i thought said and did back then but my heart wont leave me alone. i know my father would be dissapointed in me if he saw me now and i know he does see me now form heavin, he is wathicn me when i smoke drink and do all the stupid dangerous shit like breathing fire with devils springs vodka. but if i gave up now and quit if i just ended it all it would make him more dissapointed that he gave the world such a weakling for his son. so i wont give up and i wont crumble like i want to i wont cry like the water in my eyes wants me to right now. and i wonttake the blade ot my arm for a quick fix. im going to take a shower drink a few pots of coffe smoke a cigarette and shake off anything this world throws at me. no matter how pissed off or depressed i get im not going to quit, its the only way i can forgive myself. im gonna do what i have to do. cryign wont help and there aint enough booze in the world to drown it away. im sorry for what ive done and im leaving it at that. if you there are people out there who still wont forgive me then ive got one thing to tell them. Fuck you and deal with it cuz im not leaving
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I'm glad you found courage to say that you aren't giving up. Very happy you wrote me. I think it is a great idea to apologize to all those people, whether they read it or not, since it is more for you than for them. Crying doesn't help, but sometimes it makes it feel better....there is no weakness in allowing yourself to grieve for something you have lost....namely your guilt, since it seems you feel guilty for hurting those people. (you can correct me if I am wrong)
Just like cutting doesn't fix the problem, it only staves it off for a while...that's what booze does too, so kudos to you for trying not to use that coping mechanism. Much love~ Sometimes
Past Entries
| July 2007 |
Tuesday, 7/10
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June 2007 |
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Thursday, 6/28
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Sunday, 6/17
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Tuesday, 6/05
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May 2007 |
Thursday, 5/24
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Thursday, 5/24
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Tuesday, 5/22
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As a mom I would worry too about the infantry but the decision is yours. Just curious about your decision not to take any specialized training when you are obviously so intelligent. Did you look over all the stuff they have to offer? I know in Canada new recruits can become medics, cooks, mechanics drivers etc etc. they even pay for college and your drivers ed to get your various licences. Anyway good for you for making a plan to improve your future. You better get those sleeping pills so you can start your power training exercises. You said you have another year until you would be leaving so would you be in basic traing until then?
scaredgirl