bdmiller's Journal

If you hadn't guessed, it's about Zane or Zane related stuff rather. God, I've been putting off writing this blog because I was scared to be too emotional but now I just don't feel like it. lol I don't feel he and Jeff are worth my time, but I'm gonna stop rambling and spill.

So, I WAS STARTING to get over Zane when I wrote my last blog. Even to the point where I missed being his friend and wanted to be cool. EVEN to the point where I actually wanted to be Jeff's friend, but I never spoke to him because I knew he'd bring up Zane and rub it in my face in that fake friendly/cocky non-chalant way that he does. Well, Zane and I hadn't talked much until one night I was up late and so bored, that I made a mistake and read Jeff's journal. I read about how the met up in Hammond and hung out, then went to Bourbon and had some alone time where they massaged each other, and Jeff put Zane's hand on the outside of his hard dick. Big deal? For me, yes. Maybe I should backtrack a little...

For years I wanted Jeff, because he was the first guy to ever show me interest, and one day years ago, my computer freaked out and I couldn't talk to him for a while. When I got online again, it was like because my computer freaked, I missed my chance with him. So over the years I kept trying, even though he was a jerk to me and told me about his boyfriends... Yet I hung on for fear that no guy would ever care for me again, my own insecurities got the best of me then, and still do sometimes now. He never understood why I got upset and stopped talking to him at certain points, and he actually expected me to pinpoint exactly what he said or did to make me feel that way. 1. I have a horrible memory, we're all not as perfect as you Jeff. & 2. It's not just what you said or did, it's the fact that I still cared about you and wanted you that entire time, but you didn't care at all. Stupid? Maybe for you, but after years of being picked on for being fat, I actually met and fell for a guy who liked me BECAUSE I was chubby, and it made me feel good, so I kept hanging on to something that wasn't there. He always talked about my low-confidence and how unattractive it was, but again, I'm sorry, we're not all as perfect as you are. That basically sums up why I hate[d] Jeff.

So September of last year I saw Zane on MySpace and was like "WOW, HE'S FUCKING CUTE." We messaged and talked for hours upon hours, every night for weeks. He flirted and led me on to believing that he liked me, and I DEFINTELY fell for the boy because he was cute, close by, and funny. The entire time I was talking to him and flirting with him, he was overly infatuated with a guy named Mitch (and still is today, by the way.) So even though he stood me up for New Year's, ignored me for almost a month making me think I did something wrong, he told me all about Mitch and how he felt... It was the exact same way I felt about him. So somehow in February or sometime, we were talking about Jeff and he asked for his screename. Well, I was still at the point where I would've done anything for the boy, so I gave it to him... Stupid fucking me.

I knew that they would hit it off, I KNEW they would end up together, despite all Zane's talk about not wanting a relationship and all that shit. Well this brings me back to the night they met in Hammond. It was their 2nd time meeting I believe, and they had to meet in MY town, the one I'M always in. Both of them knowing it's killing me to see them get together. That might've not been Jeff's main motivation, but I KNOW that he was loving the fact that he stole this guy right out from under me. After almost 8 months of trying to develop some sort of relationship with this boy, Jeff comes in like a fucking hawk and takes it all away from me... And Zane was just more than willing to let him. I called Zane on a Saturday night/morning at 4 a.m. to FINALLY TALK to him rather than text or something, because it hurt me so much that he would do that. I yelled so much I couldn't cry. I asked him WHY, why he had to do the one thing he knew I dreaded most, why he had to be such an asshole, and of course he couldn't answer.

He thought that talking to me all that night would help, but it only made it worse. Trying to be my friend when he knows how badly I'm hurting, more than he ever fucking has, was like kicking me while I'm down. Meeting in Hammond was like a slap in the face by both of them. I don't care if it was for a graduation, Zane NEVER came to Hammond to see me, but he was more than willing to invite Jeff along. Sometimes I wish I would've done things different, or that I could go back in time, but Zane is just as bad as Jeff - they deserve each other. Even thought I told myself that, it still hurt, and I wanted to make the pain go away... So I was just driving around, thinking (which was bad at the time), and I went to the store and bought a pack of razors with the last dollar I had. I drove off into the woods, broke off the plastic to get the blade, and cut my arm. 10 times. Each time felt so good because for that moment, all of their shit went away, and this adrenaline rush came over me. As I was doing it, I thought to myself "I bet they won't even care." And sure enough, they didn't.

A few days later... last Thursday night actually, Tabby and I were hanging out on our way home from getting groceries. Well she was texting some people from Cane's, and Sam, and they were all at the Pirates midnight showing. I was like "Damn, it'd be funny if Zane were there." So I texted him, and he actually was. I was like "Oh we need to go hang out with our people after it lets out," so we drove back out to Hammond after bringing the groceries home. Before I left my house again, I thought... "What if Jeff is with Zane? I mean, it's a long shot, but they met in Hammond before, why wouldn't they do it again? Especially for something like this." So I changed, put on some semi-comfortable clothes and my class right because for some reason... I knew if Jeff was there, I'd be getting into my first fight.

Well while Tabby and I were waiting in the parking lot, I saw my ex Michael, and I thought that was bad... but then Tabby said "There they are, Zane, Elissa, and Jeff." My heart dropped. They did it again, this time it WAS for each other, not someone else.I didn't know what to do, but then Elissa called me from JEFF'S phone, because Zane's died, but of course she couldn't call from HER phone because she knew it would piss me off. I know Zane tells her everything, so she knew I hated Jeff, but called all cheery asking if we wanted to do something. So I called back and was like "Sure, yeah, there's a Waffle House on the other side of the overpass across from the mall." So as I watched them get in Elissa's Scion and drive off, all I could think of to do when we got there was do my best job acting ever.

We got there before them, and when they all got out, I wanted to kill Jeff right then and there. They all knew I was heartbroken to see him there with them, and they bothered to try and act friendly anyway because it's about how you act and what you say, not your actual actions! We sat inside for a while, bullshitting and small talking like we were all buddies... except for Tabatha. I admit, it was killing me to see them sitting across from each other... the 2 guys I've wanted most in life, wanting each other but not me. I noticed my feet were moving around, and then my legs starting jumping, and then my stomach hurt, so it was like something was working it's way up, and I couldn't sit there anymore. Not just because it was freezing, but I needed to walk a little.

We went outside, bullshitted some more, and then somehow it got on the issue at hand - what they were doing and why. Tabatha could tell you better than I could because she and Jeff did most of the talking/arguing about me, which was good because I couldn't speak about it without getting emotional. I mentioned the cuts on my arm and Tab said something about blades and I was like "Yeah, like the one I cut my arm with." And I stared at Jeff. Then I looked over at Zane, who is freaked out by the whole cutting thing, and asked him "Wanna see?" Of course he wasn't talking much about the serious stuff, so he just said no, and looked off again. What a fucking pussy. I was just sitting on the hill in front of my car, staring off, waiting for Jeff to say something to ME. He was cocky and condescending the entire night, and I even caught him contradicting himself in a 5 minute period. He and Tabatha were talking, and I heard him say "I don't care about him!" referring to me.. but just a few moments later, we were talking and he said "I've never done anything but try and be your friend." I was like DUDE, YOU JUST FUCKING SAID YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME, DON'T TRY THAT SHIT WITH ME!

I know what he was thinking the entire time... He thought I was just some crazy ass guy who hurt himself and would never say or do anything to fight back. So I sat up, leaning against my car for a minute, and I don't remember what he said... but it was the final straw. I flew like a bat out of hell, fist first into his face. I was tired of trying to talk to someone who intimidated me and bullied me, I couldn't talk anymore, it was enough. I felt my ring connect with his head, and after that I just let loose on him. Years of built up frustration and anger were being released the way it should've been - I was hurting him instead of hurting myself. Somehow we wound against Elissa's Scion, so I stopped and told him to get off of her car. I guess he thought he had me pinned because he had his arms around me saying "It's alright Brad." What fucking nerve! Trying to be the bigger man, he kept saying how immature fighting was. He was just doing and saying that to impress Zane. I wanted to walk away before I caused a scene or cops came, but before I left, I kneed him in the fucking balls. I walked over to my car, breathing hard, adrenaline pumping more than it ever had. He kept saying "You've permanently lost a friend."

Big fucking deal. I never had one to begin with, just a lost cause gone bad. I let Tabby drive home because I couldn't and Elissa's two-faced ass shouted something out of the window as they drove off, but I didn't hear what it was. About 45 minutes later, Zane fucking texts me saying "We were just friends, but that was so hot..." And I tried asking him what the fuck he meant by that all day. My dumb ass actually thought he meant he and Jeff were just friends, but me beating the shit out of him was hot.

No... Zane ignored me all day, texts and calls, until I called from my house phone and he actually answered. I was like Zane... I really need to talk to you. And of course Elissa was in the background and some other guy, making sex noises. A few seconds of that and Zane was like "I'll call you back later." And right before he hung up I heard "Oh yeah, cum in my mouth!" So I took that as a hint that he and Jeff did something, and that's why they knew I was calling. I know Jeff stayed with Zane the night I beat him up, so they were bound to do something, even if it were out of spite of me. That text definitely was. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to just end it all so bad, I was tired of being hurt, tired of being unfairly mistreated when all I wanted to do was love the goddamn boy. I wanted to kill myself... and for the first time in my life, I gave it serious thought.

I tried calling Tabatha but she was out and left her phone at home, and I thought to myself "OK, it's either call the Suicide hotline or wake my mom up and explain everything..." Hotline it was. I talked to a lady for about 45 mins, and it didn't really help. Explaining all my problems and issues to some lady that said a few sentences at most wasn't helping me. I needed positivity, I needed someone that knew me, I needed Tabby. And I FINALLY got Tabatha a little while later, and sure enough she calmed me down in just a few sentences. She called Zane and explained to him that in the 10 years or so that she's known me, I'VE NEVER called her at 4 a.m. crying, and I've NEVER been so afraid that I was going to kill myself. She told him to delete us from everything and he honestly asked "Would that really help?" OF COURSE IT WOULD FUCKER. I wouldn't have to worry about you in my life again because I sure as hell won't speak to you cunts again.

I've never cried so much at one point in my life. I didn't know if it was because God hated me or that He was trying to tell me something because I didn't follow him anymore. I partially blame it on the ring I bought on Friday the 13th in April, because that's the day I quit my job and things seemed to go downhill from there.

Anyway, after all this mess, my cuts are healing and hopefully won't leave horrible scars because I don't need anything to remind me of them anymore. Erase and block them completely from my life. Each day it gets better, and it'll be even better once I get a job. I don't know where my faith lies anymore, because praying to the God and Goddess just confused me. I asked them to make it stop and fix it all, but it just got worse. I don't know if it's them testing me to make me stronger, or if it's the Christian God telling me I'm not going down the right path or what... I'm so confused about it all now. I haven't prayed since before that night, but I should, I need guidance now more than ever. All this shit has been a hell of a life lesson, and has definitely frozen my heart and put it behind a brick wall. Hopefully the mental scarring will heal just as fast as the ones on my arm.

(P.S. I'm sorry it was so dreadfully long, it could've been longer but I left out unimportant stuff that only gives reasons behind other things... lol anyway, just wait for the movie, k?)