annsullivan's Journal

This is pretty long but well worth reading - got it from a friend... hugs, ann 

You Can Do It, Now WILL You?
by Rob Anderson, Sugar Grove, Illinois

Early in my journey following the death of my son, Brendon, I heard statements like, "This journey is survivable,"
and, "There can be meaning in your life again." If you haven't yet, soon you'll hear a healing parent say that their
smile has returned. If your pain is still overwhelming, all those statements will probably roll off your heart like water
off a duck's back. "Smile again," you say, "that's never going to happen. How can I ever feel good again, my child is
dead." I felt that same way, as I suspect all bereaved parents felt at one point in their journey. After all, much of our
happiness died when our kids died. To find it again seemed improbable-more like impossible.

When I speak to groups of bereaved parents about my journey and how my smile and meaning have returned, I
always say that theirs can return too. They can laugh again; they can have more good days then bad days. And then I
say what sounds completely unbelievable to them, especially the newly bereaved. I say, "Good can come from such a
horrible experience as the death of your child."

I get a lot of blank stares when I say that one. A lot of looks that say, "You've certainly lost your mind if you want me
to believe that out of the death of my child I can ever find any good." Some parents even seem offended or hurt that
I could imply such a thing. In spite of it I push on because I know it can happen. It happened because of the love for
my son.

What I never say to bereaved parents is that their smile, happiness or meaning will return; that it's a fact. That can
be kind of hard to hear. I say that because we are each on our own individual journey where we make our own
individual choices as to how we will grieve and heal. I don't know if theirs will return or not, but I do know that all
those things can return. I say that because they've returned for me, as well as for hundreds and hundreds of other
bereaved parents.

All you need to do is attend a few local, regional or national meetings of the many wonderful organizations
that put together such healing events. At those gatherings you'll see smiles (genuine and true), hear
laughter from a healing heart and feel the life that's returned to those same parents who thought that after
their child died, they would die as well. There's a glow, enthusiasm and calm that a healing parent gives
away without even knowing it. It's inspirational; it draws people in; it helps others heal. And it continues
to help them heal as well. Just as we will never stop grieving the deaths of our kids, we will also never
stop our healing.

We can feel better, but it takes work for that to happen. Feeling better won't happen just because we want
it to happen; we have to make it happen. It's just like anything we want to change in our lives, first we
must decide to do it and then we must go ahead and do it. It's in the positive choices we make as to how
we do our grief work (I also call it healing work) where we can find our next breath, or a path to our next
hour and then our next day. Our choices are what can move us forward or hold us back.

You may have heard someone say, "There's no wrong way to grieve." For the most part I believe that. But
I would also add to that statement, "...unless you're abusing yourself or others, or are stuck in chronic
grief." Physical or verbal abuse will stop your healing. Sure, you'll most likely have arguments with others;
we've all done that, but if those arguments become hurtful or abusive, it can be almost impossible to
heal. If drugs or alcohol become involved in your life, you're chasing away opportunities to heal. If, after
many years, you think about your child and sadness fills your life instead of joy, you may be stuck in
chronic grief which can also hold back your healing.

In the beginning of your journey, many of your decisions about grieving will be made subconsciously.
You'll make them and not even know you did. Over time, your good decisions and your bad decisions can
become habits. So, you will create good healing habits and bad healing habits. As you get further down
the road, you'll begin to make conscious decisions about the ways you grieve and express your suffering.
When you make positive choices based on good healing habits, positive things will happen. Make negative
choices and I think you know what will happen there as well.

Life does not have to be horrible. Yes, a horrible thing happened to you and your child, the most horrible
thing you will probably ever experience. The deaths of our children are truly life-changing events. What
I've come to know is that death did not take all when it took my son's body. His physical death was huge,
an event like no other I'd ever lived. The deaths of comrades in Vietnam, close friends and their children
and members of my family have all been but a whisper compared to the scream of losing Brendon. But
what I've learned is that even though death took my son's body, death can never, and I mean never, take
his life force (his spirit if you will), my memories, or my love. His life has given me those three things, his
death took one. So, Brendon wins three to one. A victory for my healing and for Bren's life.

It's in our children's lives where we can find our smiles and happiness. It's in the joy of their living, and
our love for them, where our meaning can return. Remember, for our children to have died, they first
had to have lived. When we focus on their living, no matter how long that was, and let go of their dying,
good things can happen. What's so frustrating about this journey is that it takes time to start healing-a
lot more time than we want it to take. The road is long, with many ups and downs and twists and turns,
which is why it's imperative that we're good to ourselves and do good things for ourselves. Healing is only
seen in hindsight, so it's critical that we constantly search for ways to heal. If we do, and bring them in,
there can be days when we say, "Hey, this has been a pretty good day. I let the life of my child into mine
and that's a good, a very good, thing."

As we heard our parents say, "It's all about your attitude. Attitude is everything. Life is only as good as
you want to make it." I know those are cliches, but statements like that become cliches for a reason; it's
because they're true. The altitude we achieve in our new lives, our new normal, will only be limited by
our attitude. Decide to work on your grief through its positive expression and you will find ways to heal.
Healing then becomes your choice and a habit. You can do it, now will you?