whatever4andnomore's Journal

Day 3

 Boy my emotions are sure up and down!!  I am feeling ok just when I think of the prospect of being lonely with no hope for physical effection and "intimacy" for the rest of my life is pretty bleek!  (or at the very least for a LONG time, years likely!)  Thats the biggest thing right now!  And to have him in the house with me is really making me crazy!!

We talked about trying counceling yet again.  I am very skeptical.  There are few things that MUST change in order for us to live peacefully and with love and respect.  He knows what I want, hes read the books our pastors have recommended and he AGREES with them!  He just cant get past this line of thinking...."She's going to kick me in the teeth.  I am going to have to lie down and take it!  She is a lion in wait!"  All the counseling in the world isnt going to change his thinking.  Each time I might "mess up" and get grumpy or have a bad day, that line of thinking haunts him and he threatens to leave me or says something else equally horrid! I ask him what I can do to show him I mean him no harm, that I love him, that I want whats best for him, but that I am only human and will likely say something that hurts him or do something that he feels is inconsiderate!  I have no problem working hard to correct my faults and never had a problem saying "Im sorry, please forgive me!"

I dunno, maybe I am too one sided.  I just know I am tired of my feelings being brushed aside, belittled, or ignored only to be picked up when HE wants to deal with it!

But, either way, I am ok with it!  I am not worried about the outcome whatever it may be.  I DO believe we can seperate peaceably.  I just wonder whats going to happen when we inevitably disagree about certain things.  I tell you this right now,  I WONT cave in on something I feel strongly about just to appease him and "keep peace."  He is going to have to see things from my point of view sooner or later, or I will fight him!  I DO want whats best for my family!  I dont plan on being disagreeable just to BE disagreeable and because I want to assert myself!  And to be fair, I don't think he does either.  He really isnt some terrible person.  (though he does act like it sometimes and I am usually his target.)  He has been very wounded in his past too, and I would like to see him get some therapy for that!  Im just afraid he will turn his wrath on the kids or something else down the road!