I've had three people in my life close to me commit suicide.
And to think, each one was for stupid ass reasons it KILLS me to think of the LOSS SO MANY FELT when they made those SELFISH choices.
Two were over women. One was my best friend's dad at the time, because he was financially ruined and had dependency issues to substances, and an enormous gambling debt, and decided best to end it all with a shotgun. Not a pretty site. Well, since he killed himself, it put my firned into a 20 yr. tailspin of drugs, alcohol, destruction of his own life, until... God saved him and brought him out of his pain.
My other friend, actually, my friend's boyfriend, whom I'd come to know over ten years, shot himself over her, (he lived with her), she broke it off, and asked him to move, only to find his head smeared in one of her bedrooms, she still has issues dealing with it as does his family and even friends, and of course me, selfish bastard.
The other was my friend John. We were 14. His gf broke up with him and his baby brother who was about 11? at the time found him hanging in his closet. Needless to say, when John left, he not only took his life, but robbed his baby brother of his life for more than 25 years now...
What the fuck is wrong with people?
Each one of these funerals and wakes, was simply atrocious. Think of the families and the mother's sisters, loved ones just simply completely devastated. At least for a time being, i.e. YEARS.
Where are the rest of these survivors now? i.e. my friends and their families picking up the pieces afterward? All have gone on with their lives at one point or another and then, these poor souls, God forgive them, are rotting flesh or dust in some box somewhere in the ground.
We have men and women "fighting" to stay alive in other areas of the world, for "us?" and then things get so chaotic in a person's life that they think the easiest thing to do is cash out, well, it isn't.
I can say, I personally, HAVE had the thought and even contemplated, planned, and went through the thoughts leading up to making a decision. Check the fuck out, or man up and deal with life as it is.
Well, thankfully, God has had me here to write this so I found another way.
I just wished my three selfish known person's listed above, wouldn't have been fucken cowards to do it. That, and clearly, God wasn't there to err. Let me rephrase that, God WAS there, they chose to block HIM out. Thus losing.
The loss to family is SO great.
I read a BU&D post and hope that hte person isn't serious and really, can find some help. I offered a reply but now, it just literally tears me up inside. That a loss of a relationship could trick a person into thinking their life isn't meaningful to even ONE person. I am sad about that, but I know my selfish ass needs to keep living for my own family and thankfully, I learned long enough ago, that life is NEVER THAT BAD THAT YOU CANNOT OVERCOME SOMETHING TRIVIAL like a relationship, abuse, loss, drugs/alcohol, money, homelessness, being ill (think kevorkian, which I suppose, if I was on life support and a tube was in my throat giving me air, I'd want the plug pulled too), but anyway. I am on a tangent I guess, venting a bit, to think of the so sad things that people will put their loved ones through this just flat out, really makes me need to do something like getting it off my chest because I guess I'd thought of it before (dealing with things), then never really fully made a note, then moved on.
God, give me strength to do more in this and other areas of my life. I realize now, there's hurting people in the world, and I can't change much except to pray for those that have already lost themselves and pray for those who have a dark day to know that sunshine is only one small prayer away. i.e. "God help me.".
And to think a few hours ago, I felt a little jacked up in my selfish head. Glad that's passed. Yes, now I am a journaling fool and lots to say
September 21, 2007 1:38pm
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They say that paper is more patient than man...I hope that it is true. It has been difficult if not impossible to start and maintain a journal as I battle with life long depression and now the loss of my mother. Over the last seven years there ...
November 8, 2007 11:49am
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Thursday, I am not going to play today. I have told myself NO! I am going to do ohter things to keep my time occupied and busy. I am going to call a friend and maybe go for a coffee. I am a strong person and I have to ...
January 3, 2008 2:28am
2 Comments
57 reasons01. You will be FAT if you eat today, just put it off one more day. 02. You don't NEED food. 03. Fat people can't fit everywhere. 04. Guys will be able to pick you up without struggling. 05. You'll be able to run faster without ...
My guess is there are many here who have at least had a thought of suicide, but I like you could never do it because of the pain I would bring on others. I have never known anyone personally to have succeeded at this horrendous act, but I have to think they were hurting so badly and saw no other way of escaping their pain.
My oldest son tried to commit suicide not that long ago...at a time when I had no idea if he was dead or alive. Thankfully someone found him in time and he is well and back in my life again. In fact, I got a Mothers Day Card in the mail today...a first ever from him! I would say that is progress.
JT, I am so sorry you have dealt with this not once but 3 times in your lifetime with people you cared about. I can't even imagine how this weighs on your heart. Sure, you typed words above, but I'm quite sure they can't come close to the pain you feel whenever you are reminded of the past. May God bring you a little peace whenever those times appear as they did today. I'm glad you are no longer F**K'd in the head too! **HUGS**
aguyandadog
Thanks C. Believe me, honestly, prior to going to the boards, which I've found isn't the best thing for a person's psyche, no matter how much you'd like to help, makes things tough, but yes, I feel almost bad, because the last friend who'd passed away, and I am going to say, was July 2004, I'd not thought about any of these three since...
I just see it literally as a cop out, but I tell you, I'd seen dark days so I know what a person can feel like. You can imagine being in a church while a preacher is praying that they've found peace and all you can do in the pew is go, 'what a selfish son of a bitch' while watching their family and friends literally be in hysterics for HOURS and DAYS, and sometimes I bet months, it's so, terrible.
Someone's situation is always worse though...
However, prayer long and hard enough, He will come through, as He said so long ago. You can always hear His voice when He reaches for you.
JTGPP
I said some thing about this the other day but what the hell is going on is it the economy or what but I think I have seen 4 or 5 posts about people thinking about suicide this week is it a full moon some where or what. I saw the one to night and I left her a very long hug and told her if she wanted she had another friend. Man I get a new lease on life and gal wants to end her's its a funny old world.
Wick
This is a good post. I had a friend in high school whose mother committed suicide and left a note blaming her husband and son. It was so hard on both of them, especially the 17 year old son. I know I had one night where it crossed my mind, but then I prayed like everything, it was probably the bleakest time I have ever had. But I know that I could never do that to my family. I too think it is selfish, but realize a person must really be in the depths of despair to actually go through with it. Big hugs to you.
phoenix7
JT, I would venture to say some of the family members of these individuals struggle every day with the choice their family members made. I know how much death in and of itself causes such dispair, the pain of that caliber must be far worse. I rarely go on the B&D boards anymore for this very reason, I can't continually be pulled down any longer...I have to move forward, not backwards. I would imagine Anger at such a service would be normal too for those who believe, unfortunately, there are many who don't. Thank God for life!
aguyandadog
Hey I've been there and like you I thought of my family first and foremost. It is a sad day when someone decides to do this and it is a very selfish act unfortunately. I can't imagine the pain the families go through and the guilt for a long time.
MaeIsab