amberleah's Journal

Home life is really bad right now.  Husb. is constantly watching every move I make.  He verbally and emotionally abused me 2 nights ago because he's got it in his head that I'm messing with the guy that is staying w/us.  I'm not.  And he's not interested in me either.  Husb. is being really nice to him but has told him he has to move out.  We've had loads of drama w/our neighbors next door.  His wife, and friend of mine, came over one night last week and ended up(long story there) staying the night and slept with the guy stayin w/us.  Her husb. is mad at my husb.  and no one is mad at the guy staying w/us!!!  WTF!!!!!

I'm so emotionally wiped out today.  Stress is so bad that not only am I clenching my jaws at night, I'm doing it during the day too.  My teeth hurt, neck and jaws hurt.  Looking into a bite guard for night time.

I can't even begin to write all that husb has put me through the last few days.  He also now has problems w/another childhood friend of mine.  I won't let him tell me who I can or can't be friends with.  My ex made me give up alot of friends and I've regretted it and I wont let another man do that to me or them. HE's really going off the deep end, psycho even at times.  Husb. decided to start sleeping on the couch.  He said I forced him into that decision. I did no such thing.  THAT is ALL his choice.  No matter on that--at least his snoring wont wake me up anymore.  But it's a hell of a way to have to live right now.  I just don't get it, so many times he looks at me like I'm his enemy, that we're not on the same team.  I know he doesn't like it when I disagree w/him, or don't tell people what he thinks I should, or handle a situation the way he would, but I never will.  I'm wondering more and more about a separation.  I don't want that but I don't want to live in a hostile environment either.  I guess I'll give it a little more time and see what happens, hopefully I'll be able to keep my sanity in the process.

I dont know what to say......I just keep on drinking.  Am I REALLY trying?  Beginning to doubt myself alot.  Husb. is being a jerk and still not working-he shouldn't act like a jerk to me-I'm supporting his ass right now, well TRYING to.    Up to my neck in bills from last month, and now this month is due.  Work sucks again today--well actually it's probably my state of mind right now--not good at all.  Feeling depressed ALOT in the last few days about husb., about work, about my friend, about our bills, about the lack of trust husb. continually shows me, my lawnmower is broken.  Overwhelmed is a good word for the day. Have a headache, neck & should aches, stomach hurts--and here I sit at work.  BLAH!

I would LOVE to try primal scream therapy on top of a mountain-

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!

See that below?  My goal---0/ZERO progress made!!!!!  Feels like my life at this very moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Even showing my codependency crap again-letting husb. walk all over me!

My friend/coworker that has been battling pancreatic cancer died at 4:00 this morning.  I know her suffering is now over.  Bless her and her brave, courageous fight.  She outlived by a year what they had said she would.  But the toxins built up in her liver and it was only a matter of time.  I know she's not hurting anymore. I'll miss talking about flowers, animal, and life with her.  I'll miss the cute sparkle she had in her eyes when she would be talking.  

I have more to talk about today but this is all for now.