KevinH's Journal

I'm sorry upfront for this weak moment where I'm just going to be damn needy and wallow in self-pity. It may seem odd to be writing this during a breakdown, a small one. Fortunately for me I have a private desk at work so no one has to deal with this but me.

I made an appointment to see my oncologist yesterday. August 20th was the first date that would work with my schedule (and only the second date that was available). I haven't heard anything from him since the end of the week of June 2 (whatever that was). 

This can only mean that there are no options and research on this hasn't turned anything up. This, in turn, means that unless a miracle steps forward it is only a matter of time. How much time varies so widely that no one can tell. It could be next year or it could be 15 years from now. No one studied under these conditions of cancer lived longer than 17 years. Believe me I've been looking for a sign of hope on this.

Another PET scan would give them an idea of how fast or slow it is progressing. Typically this cancer moves slowly and predictably. Typically it is also among the most curable cancers. I need to buy a lottery ticket.

 Next week I'll reiterate my request for a different schedule to my manager. I'm not at all concerned about the challenges he or any of my peers might have to face to accommodate my adjustment. I was previously, and that concern landed me in this shift. Now I can't help be feel like the rest of my life is literally going to be defined by work and sleep with the occasional vacation to visit with friends and family.

If I can't get him to realize how important this is I know the director of the department will (who is about to become our Vice President). I also have another executive Vice President who is aware of my condition and has already said that if there's anything he can do to help to come see him. I intend that to be the last resort but I'm getting to the point where I won't hesitate to take that option.

But the real reason for this breakdown is simple reality. I haven't been denying it but I've subconsciously been avoiding staring the issue in the face. And whenever I do I flinch. Nothing reduces all the power in the universe to the euqivalent of a rusty penny lying in the middle of the street like facing a hopeless situation and feeling helpless to do anything about it. 

We're all going to die someday. For most of you (hopefully all of you) it will be after a very long and very happy life. It's a defeating experience to be able to wake up in the morning and know what the relative chance that I might die this year is, and to know that each year that chance goes up sharply. 

Maybe I'll go home and find a dark, quite corner and contemplate nothing at all for a while.