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KevinH's Journal

Honest conversation with myself. Mood

Monday, June 16, 2008

So I couldn't sleep tonight. At least not yet. So I had a talk to myself about cancer.

I believe it's over. There's still alternative therapies I'll explore but I have the distinct impression that there aren't any additional traditional therapies left for this type of cancer. Hodgkin's is not well understood yet and is still fairly rare with only about 7,000 new cases a year and the most successful treatments only being 10 years old or less.

So I asked myself "Do I want my doctor to beat around the bush or come out with it and give it to me straight?"

I want it straigth, of course. If there's something else to do and he believes there's genuine promise in the treatment then let's have at it without delay. If he's not sure or confident about the treatment then there isn't a point to it other than flailing away in the hopes that something will work. And I detest random flailing.

So what does that mean, really? It means the only thing I really need to know is how much time have I got to cover my bucket list? Beyond that I don't know.

It's possible that my doctor may pull off some miracle and if that happens I will rejoice in my second chance. My intuition tells me that won't happen. I doubt he'd wait for another three weeks to start a new treatment if he had one available that showed true promise. And I've heard nothing from him in the past week+.

I'm genuinely not afraid to die. I didn't want it to happen this soon but (to borrow a phrase I liked) I've dined at the dinner table of life and it has been bountiful(sp). I'm not ready for my check yet but I'm prepared to pay for it when the restaurant closes for the day.

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OMG wheres Kevin? Wheres the Ironman? Baby living without knowing is probably driving you nuts.It did me yes i had cancer but it was 26 years ago its not something i talk about.But half the battle is faith.Don't you think your Doctor would have told you by now if your days were really numbered.Besides thats up to God not a Doctor.Kevin this is the first time I have put someone on here on a prayer list but you dear man are the first.I have lost enough in the last 8 months i'm not losing you.But i know how it is to mentally just give up believing in anything,but you? no way!! At least try not to and if you need to talk please know i'm here for you and will be forever love Kalei

kalei
I can't imagine that sleep comes easy for you these days. I too have had many of these conversations with myself. Everyone talks about how physically difficult it is having cancer but you and I both know that mentally it is the toughest thing a person can go through. It would be nice to have doctors that understood. They often just focus on the physical aspect. I agree with you, the doctors really need to tell you exactly what they are thinking.
The mind body connection can also be a very powerful tool. From day 1 of this mess I always had a picture of myself celebrating my 47th birthday (I have no idea why 47 was always the number) No matter how scary things were for me I had the craziest notion that I would be around. I know you say your intuition tells you there is not much hope left but if there is life there is always hope.
Western medicine may not always be the answer. There are just too many stories of people living way past the medical expectations to give up now.

I will always be here for you.

Love, Jeannine

Jeannine
Sending you positive energy to face whatever the future may have. You walk this life with grace and dignity to be along for the journey.

colored_cheerios
Hello Kevin,

I too have be diagnosed with Cll . I have been told very little but let's wait. Well I live in Southern California and have a Doctor from Mexico who speaks in the area in which I live. He treats cancer patients with chelation treatments. I personally know some people who had Cll and it went into remission many years ago after Dr. Castillo treated them. He is located in TJ Mexico. I am going to look into his treatment. He comes highly recommended. He has a web site www.drcastillo.com e-mail eldoc@drcastillo.com. I figure what do I have to loose. I might be one of the people who responds to the treatment like others I know. The chelation treatment that he provides can not be gotten in the states because of the FDA regulations. In the states you can get a watered version Look into it it might

RichTish

RichTish