Mommy2Keila's Journal

I finished my labor and delivery clinical this week. I was given the opportunity to see a live vaginal birth and it was so beautiful. I didn't really use any of my nursing skills because I was mostly trying to control myself to keep from crying when that baby was born. I had to leave shortly after that so I didn't stick around to talk to the family. I congratulated them and then left. It wasn't all that difficult for me to be on this unit because I was able to do that part. I gave birth too; it's something that I have experienced.

The next day I was on the mother/baby unit. This was extremely difficult because all I was doing was comparing my postpartum experience with what these patients were getting. I didn't get all the visitors, the flowers, balloons, the nurses’ oohhing and awwhing over my baby. I didn't get any of that. But most of all, I didn't get to walk out of that hospital with my baby in my arms like everyone one of my patients got to. I kept my cool though and I was able to get all of my assessments and patient teaching done, I was even admiring all of the little babies too, but as soon as I stepped onto that elevator to go home I lost it. I was balling when I was walking out and everyone must have thought I was unprofessional or something because I was still in my scrubs and crying like a little girl. I could never work on this unit. I am happy for the families there, but it hurts me too much. I'm jealous because they have what I was supposed to have, A BABY.

I also was able to go to the antepartum unit. This is where the high risk mothers are admitted to the hospital to be cared for. I loved it there. I would never want someone to go through a stillbirth or miscarriage, but I would love to help get them to the point where they are going to leave with their babies in their arms. I just don’t want to see that point, but I want it for them. I would love to help other mothers who have suffered a loss; this is the unit they usually are admitted to in this hospital. I think I have found my niche.

Before I lost my Keilana, I wanted to be an OB nurse, but then the worst happened. I contemplated dropping out of nursing school, it was hard to imagine how I could ever continue to live without her. But I realized that I was still living and as much as I wanted to, I could never end my life. So I might as well continue with my goals. I think I might like to be a high-risk pregnancy nurse and work on the antepartum unit. So this is what I've been doing in the last few weeks. It was extremely hard on me emotionally, but I also know that I am a strong woman. I've lived through HELL already, so I know that I can handle anything that comes my way.