Today has been so up and down for …
Today has been so up and down for me.. there were times that I felt okay, but others that I felt misrable. I don't know …
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Okay.. so this is my first journal entry. I'm really confused at this point because of the emotions I have about the baby. I've been told to not look at it as a baby but it was. It was inside of me and growing. I feel like my whole body is shutting down and it's been two months since the miscarriage. It just seems like I'm getting worse and worse. I even hurt both my fiancee and myself with the words "I don't ever want to try for a baby again." I don't know what was wrong with me, I know I want children but I'm just so scared to go through this pain again. I feel bad for being on here because I see these strong women who have had 2, 3, 4 miscarriages. I admire their strength and wish it was my own sometimes. My baby was only 7 weeks.. well.. actually.. it was a bloated ovum so the baby never developed. But I felt it there, I watched my stomach get bigger, morning sickness, moodiness, everything that a normal pregnancy should have. Then.. I started spotting. I tried not to freak out but I knew. Some how I just knew the baby was gone. I quickly went in to see the doctor and he confirmed my fears. That night, the cramps and clots started to pass. Three days of that horrible pain. I had the choice to get a D&C but I refused at first.. The bleeding started to stop so I returned to the doctor. He said the tissue wasn't gone yet and I had to get a D&C anyway! I was so mad. I could have avoided that doubling over screaming pain I had went through and just got it in the first place. But I guess I wanted to go through it. To make me realize that the baby was no longer there. I really want to try again but at the same time, I don't. If that pain is what childbirth is like, I'll adopt. The pain I had on the floor those three nights was unbearable. I was screaming into a pillow, sweating, crying. My fiancee felt horrible because there was nothing he could do but hold my hand. I don't know what to do anymore.. my life is just so off track and I just keep losing pieces of myself ever since I lost Emberlin. I'm scared that soon there wont be anything left and I'll just be empty. Mommy loves you Emberlin..
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I just want you to know that any woman out there that has to go though just one miscarriage is a strong woman. My husband and I sd. that we wouldn't try again. Then I changed my mind but he didn't. Turns out that it was just way to soon for us to even think about trying again. We both had a lot to work through first and we still are working through all the emotions. You'll know when the time is right. I had an ectopic pregnancy and a neonatal death. The ectopic wasn't something I could hold but I still felt that it was life that died and I still grieve the loss. I think that it is important for you to feel whatever YOU believe not what someone else thinks you should believe. Keep strong and know that we are here for you. Let me know if you need to talk.
samlee
You ARE a strong woman Kry-- I have to tell you, I went through my childs birth (granted he was little over one pound, but still) without drugs, and I have to tell you while that pain is horrible, as soon as the baby is out the pain is gone. And relief takes over, (until I realized he was gone...Then I cried hysterically for over an hour) but really, If you want a child, birth is bearable. Because as soon as you see that little PERFECT face, all your pain goes away. I will never forget my first baby, but I am looking forward to my second.
Also ANy woman who goes through what we go through is more brave than any other mother--- even mine who had five healthy (BIG) babies. We carry these babies, fall in love with them, tell them our secrets, dreams, EVERYTHING, and then in an instant they are gone. I knew when I was outside the hospital that the baby was going to die. Seeing my husband on one crutch RUN through the hospital parking lot I laughed, looked at my belly, Held it for a second and said, look hunny your daddy's funny. Then I siad out loud I loved him, daddy loved him, and we would see him later. I just knew it was over and I would have to start over. We will get through this pain with the help of amazing women on here--- and if you need anything from me let me know.
Armygirlmags