HeidiMom's Journal

I joined DS to help my daughter with an eating disorder.  Then I come to terms with myself and my alcohol problem.  On and off the wagon constantly. 

Well, my other demon is vicodin.  I never mention anything about it bc it was initially for pain due to a car accident. But the accident was in January, and now it's August.  I have gruadually gotten myself into taking about 10 pills a day over this summer.  And when I drink on vicodin, I'm in a whole different world.  I crave alcohol even more when I'm high, and the next day, the vicodin helps with the hangover!  What a horrible cycle. 

I have been caught up in it all summer, until Tuesday afternoon.  I had 1/2 a bottle of hard liquor, and I don't know how many pills......probably 10 by 3:00 P.M.  We were about to leave bc my son had a tae kwon do class, and I fell over, passed out.  My kids were screaming to wake me up, but I couldn't move.  I can barely, barely, recall my son screaming and crying "Mommy please wake up!" He is 8, so he was able to call my husband to come right away.  He took the kids to tae kwon do and then swimming, put them to bed, and explained that mommy's doctor gave her the wrong pills which made her sick.  My husband had no idea of my pill usage until now.  So he took all of them away, making me go through  cold turkey detox.  Unsure whether or not to send me to rehab....? 

Next morning was hell.  Today is even worse.  My body is reacting in ways that I have never felt before.  I feel so sick, worse than any hangover.  I guess it's withdrawel.  I don't know how to get through this.  I don't know how to function without vicodin.  It made me feel so euphoric and energetic....I didn't always drink with it.  I felt so good with it. Honestly, I've been experiencing vicodin for about 3 years on and off.  But this summer is the worst it's been.  How can I do this?  I have to! 

I believe that an angel was watching over us the other day, because I was about to get into the car with my kids!  I could have killed them if I didn't pass out at home.  Or down the road, something else terrible could have happened.  So, I guess, I should be thankful that everything is out in the open now, and I have a new start.....nobody died.

I am wondering how many days it will take to feel normal again.  I just want to feel good naturally, and I want to be here 100% for my family.