mookids4's Journal

Boy it's been a while since I've been on here.  Since school got out a week ago, I find myself needing something to do.  I even find myself driving past "THEIR HOME".  Crazy I know.  It's been 1.5 years since he walked out, but I can't seem to find my own life.  Absolutely nothing has changed since the day he moved out.  He is still being true to his word and sending me the exact amount of money, and keeping me on his medical insurance.  I have all the conveniences of marriage, but no husband.  Believe me, I don't want him back, but I do want him to be having an awful life.

And since time has passed, my kids are becoming more accepting of his new relationship.  It kills me to see them communicating with him.  I realize that he is their father, but what a role model.  I truly wish he would move away or just be gone.  I refer to him as "scab" to my internet friends, because he is like a scab that never goes away.

Just FYI, I am in the process of having gastric-bypass.  I decided to do this for my health.  I want to be around for my grandchildren.  It's just a little scary thinking about never being able to have a Pepsi again.  But the benefits will be worth it.

Enough babbling.  Need to go find a new book to start reading.

Here it is Christmas Even and I'm having a pity-party.  It has been over a year since my husband walked out on his family of 25 years, yet it feels just like yesterday.   Being alone, or at least feeling that way, is awful.  I have done absolutely nothing today except lay around and cry.  Not crying because HE left, but because of all of the family gatherings that I am no longer included in.  He has made it so bad, that I don't even want to spend the evening with my stepson and grandsons.  The kids all clam up about their father, yet it wonder about their relationships all the time.  My two youngest boys and I were suppose to go to a friends house last night for dinner, and it had to be cancelled because their father wanted to have Christmas with them at my stepsons.  So needless to say, I sat home moping!  They haven't offered a word about what took place, what was say, or anything and I don't feel I have the right to ask. They are grown children and what happens with them and their father is their business.

What makes everything worse is that he is still with the woman he left me for.  And to top that they have moved within 3 miles of my home.  They use to be 1.5 hrs. away.  And believe me this is a one grocery store town.  I'm bound to run into them.  I feel like a prisoner in my own home.  You see this is his birthplace, not mine.  I feel as thought to keep my sanity I need to relocate.  But how does one do that after being her 30+ years.

Thanks for letting me vent.  I'm just feeling sorry for myself instead of being grateful for what I do have.

Haven't been on here in quite a while.  It had gotten so depressing to me to read about all the people who are dealing with infidelity.

As all of you, I am still dealing with my husbands affairs and his illegitimate child every day.  I can't believe it's been almost 10 months since he left.  I know in my head that his leaving was the best thing, but I can't move past it.  I know I don't ever want him again, but I don't want him to be happy either.  I want to see him suffer like he has made this family suffer.

I get angry sometimes because everyone in my family (speaking kids mostly) seem to act as though nothing has happened.  No one will talk, no one asks questions, etc.  I want to ask the kids all the time about their connection with their dad, but I don't.  And they don't volunteer anything either.

Since being here, I have a child who is now fully employed with benefits, a daughter who is getting ready to get married and a new grandson.  It is so hard to not have that friend of 25 years to share all this with.  He was in Arizona visiting bimbo's kid when the grandson was born.  I have no idea if he even talks to any of them.  They don't share, and I feel like they don't want me to ask.  And I feel that it's none of my business what he's doing.

I start a new teaching position in the fall, so I have that to keep me busy.  I believe God has placed me back in a kindergarten classroom, instead of an isolated family literacy program, because he wants me back out in the public.

Still lots of questions.  Will he file for divorce in Oct when the year is up?  How will I survive on my own without his support?  Will I have to move?  Lots of unanswered questions.  But I'm sure everyone on this site has been or will be in this situation.

Sorry I haven't written in quite awhile, but it was just too depressing.  Maybe coming back here will give me a little more UMPH to continue this voyage.