twinkle39's Journal

FINALLY, praise you FATHER-GOD, I AM SURFACING!!  Back from the deep, dark depths.  I feel like I just emerged from a dark abysmal place and am squinting into the sun for the first time in soooo very long!! I CAN BREATHE!!  A weight has lifted and so has my spirit.  I feel at peace.  It feels so good to say that...  

I'm reminded of a scripture verse: 

Psalm 18:19-22 - He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me. The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me. For I have kept the ways of the LORD ; I have not done evil by turning from my God. All his laws are before me; I have not turned away from his decrees.  

I must say, it is a bit bittersweet.  I have just moved about 2 1/2 hours from where I used to live.  I was having a lot of problems with my parents being obtrusive and over-bearing.  I feel like I am free of all that, however now I found out that my Dad is still sick back home and undergoing more tests.  He's having a "bone marrow scraping" on Friday.  I think my whole family is coming to grips with the fact that he probably has cancer.  The test results will be in a week from Friday.  I am sad.  Sad for him and me.  Not sure whether it is the loss of future life or the loss of a life we never had!!!  He is still an abuser...  cancer or not!!

I wish someone could tell me how to mourn the loss of a father who NEVER was.  I never felt like I had a Dad...  a protector... encourager.  Do you cry for him or myself?  Gone is my chance to have that in this life.  Do you feel relief that maybe some of the pain, and hurtful words will FINALLY end???!  I feel sorry for him.  He has no idea how to love me or anybody for that matter.

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