THE MONSTER
I thought you would make me strong I thought you would put in controlI thought you would give me perfectionI thought …
Join Now
I am weak but he is strong.
We use to sing that song at church as a child. I trully know the meaning of it now. When we are children we dream about our future what we want to be, a doctor, lawyer, etc. I always wanted to be a wife and a mother. I wasted lots of money on college before I figured that out. I wanted to be June married to Ward. I dreamed of having cookies on a rainy day waiting for my son when he came home from school. I think that happened all of four times. I wanted to be the perfect wife. Having a four course meal on the table every night and live in a clean neat home. The house is a mess and because of pain we may get four courses two times a week, the rest of the week hotdogs, sandwhiches or potpies. I am weak.
Instead of being Ward and protected me, my husband became so addicted to sex and porn that unknown to me he placed ads on the internet for other men to have sex with me while he watched. Then he set meetings up. He tricked me to get me to these meetings and one meeting led me to being raped, he did not stop it. I am weak.
I kept the above to myself even though I was seeing a counselor. I hid it down so deep I had hoped it would never happen or never come up again. It did though. I was sent to Wal-mart to buy envelopes. I saw an ambulance up front but never thought anything about it. I go to head down the isle to the envelopes and there was a man that they were trying to bring back to life. There was more blood then I ever saw in my life. He had, had an anyrusim he died right before my eyes. In shock I go to the car and called husband and asked him if I had to buy enveilopes. My voice was shaking and I could not get my breath. He told me no I could go back later. I had a counselor appointment that night. I came unglued and broke down and told him about everything, about the rape etc. He asked me if I wanted to be on the floor at wal-mart that my husband was a malignant Narcisst. He asked me why did you feel the need to call him and ask him permission not to step over a dead body to buy envelopes. He told me to get out before I was on the floor of Wal-mart. I am weak.
I have prayed so hard and believe my answer is to leave my husband. I will be hidden for a while till i can heal some. I honestly feel God has told me to do this. He is Strong.
I have asked him to lift me up and give me strength to do this. Alos wisdom on how to tell him. I was going to tell him to his face and then leave, but several do not like that idea because they are afraid he will hurt me. So I have prayed to God for wisdom. He is strong.
I want to thank you for all of your support. With out you I am trully not sure I would have been here. I need your prayers for God to give me direction. For though I am weak his is strong.
Comments
You might also like ...
after 6 months and Im still hoping …
after 6 months and Im still hoping for better days.. its almost christmas ,I was engage …
Ten years ago this song meant something …
Ten years ago this song meant something to me but I could never quite work out what. Mara always hated it. Now of …
You are so right about Him being so strong and we are all so weak. The flesh is weak. We all have our problems but yours now is great. God will help you. He will guide you if you let Him.
Please follow what God leads you to do and do it quickly. It's for your own good. You will be alright. Please don't worry. God is going to take care of you.
David
andrews
Ok - first of all, please stop telling yourself you are weak, for you are NOT. In Christ - you are strong. God gave you everything you need to get through any situation or experience and in His knowledge of every circumstance in your life that you have had, are currently in and will be in - He gave you everything you need to get through it. When you feed yourself with these negative thoughts - you diminish the wonderful gift of you. No matter what has happened to you, no matter whether you made poor choices, good choices or even had choices imposed on you - you are His child and He loves you regardless. Believe just a tiny bit in what is possible! The way you describe your husband clearly reveals that in truth, you don't have a marriage to hold onto. In truth - life beats you up enough, please don't beat yourself up any more. There comes a time when we have to step out in faith and this may well be that time for you. You only need a mustard seed's worth and the hardest part is taking that first step. Don't focus on the end result. Just take the first step in that direction. Then you take another step. One at a time - in the direction you know you need to go in. You already know what God wants you to do - you're just afraid and that is OK. Ask Him to give you the courage to take that first step, and the next step and so on - He will!
MandyB
thank you but right now that is how I feel. I should have been already gone. I should have ran the first time he tricked me. I should have press charges with the rape.. I should have I should have. If only i was not so beat down and had some guts.
brokenbody
I agree with whats already been said to you. You are strong. With Gods help, we can do all things thru Christ who strenghthens me. Ive been in a very abuse marriage. If God is telling you to go...then go. Trusr that he will lead you. And when you feel like you cant go any further, He will carry you. We all love you and dont want you to get hurt or be miserable. God didnt create us so we can all be unhappy, controlled, scared or anything that is not like Him. We love you and please, when you can, keep in touch with us so we know you are alright.
((((((((((HUGS and LOVE)))))))))))) Julie
indygal
I'm so very sorry you have suffered so much at the hands of your so called husband. I don't know if I could ever recover, but you are getting better and stronger. I'm so glad you had the strength to talk about this horrifying rape. Please do leave your husband. Stay in touch.
LoriWantsHealing
Gina you have suffered enough. go to a womans shelter that's what they are there for. they will help you. now that you have finished raising Jared you have nothing holding you there any longer. get out now........debbie
dkpape
I am new here...read your post for some odd reason. It was like you were talking to me. I hate what has happened to you. And I hate what people do to make themselves feel empowered. How do you keep it together for your son? How do you not just give up?
TheForgottenOne
God would not want one of his children abused which you are. You are precious to Him. You are not weak. It sounds as if you are getting strong. You are in my prayers.
sonya7
Gina, you are a strong womam,just remember that and I am here if u need to chat again. little steps to your healing and happiness
hugssssssssss
gerri
gjones
I remember singing that song as a child.
NanaO