amanda27's Journal

Hubby left again today. He is heading to New York. I really wish I was going with him. It would be so much easier than what I have to do here.

Classes start tomorrow. I was able to login to my online class today and I am scared. I am afraid I am getting in over my head. I know that sounds silly, it is just Biology and Career Exploration. I just cant help thinking what have I gotten myself into. I am not anywhere near stable right now. I am lacking energy and motivation that I will need to get through this summer semester.

Maybe I should drop out and accept the fact that I am not cut out for this. That would mean working at wal-mart for the rest of my life probably. That is a thought that scares the hell out of me. Then again, becoming a nurse scares the hell out of me to.

I feel like everyone is just waiting for me to fail or give up. Even my therapist keeps telling me how hard nursing school is.

Tomorrow I have to actually go sit in a classroom and I am scared to death that I will have a panic attack. I dont deal well with being in a classroom full of people.

Part of Starless by Crossfade sums it up quite well.

I am part of a world that I hate,
I wish the end would come faster
My world's a disaster,
Cant you see that I'm down and I'm drowning?
And I cant keep my head above my wake.

See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath.
See me I'm over the edge farther with every step.
See me I'm down and I get deeper with every breath.