Simba's Journal

Today when looking at some goals or plans I became overwhelmed, and had to calm myself with crying, talking with a friend and other relaxing exercise. My nerves need a break. I finally got an appointment with a therapist, tonight will be my first session. I cant WAIT!

I dont know why, but over the course of the past three years, many of my childhood and adolecent memories are now surfacing. They are not all bad, some are quite pleasant. Many seem 'unfinished'

Although I am not suffering from this now, I remember a brief bout of what COULD have been or become....anorexia.

I was a heavy kid who wanted to be thin at all costs. So I bought some diet pills at age 13, starved myself to the point of sickness and excercised excessively. It worked, and I looked and felt horrible.

Because I was a gifted student, I began high school at age 13 and wanted to be thin and pretty for highschool. I lost weight but looked quite bad. But I didnt care, I was at a 'healthy' weight.

My Mother yelled, screamed, called my Grandmother for assistance, criticized and even forced me to eat. And then, I would go to the bathroom to vomit because I didnt want the food in my body. I was obessed with being clean so after vomiting I would brush my teeth, and shower.

I dont know why this came up today, I had not had that problem since. I dont even think it was anorexia, I just believe it was media or societal pressure to conform to an unrealistic standard of beauty.

Self acceptance is a wonderful thing.