Simba's Journal

God has a way of flicking you on the forehead. And thats cool. I realize I had forgotten, or at least turned my back on, one of my most precious gifts. My spirituality. Ive always been a spiritual person. At one point I was so 'religious' I confused the two. Although religion has its place, it has nothing to do with spirituality.

I quickly learned not to discuss my spiritual experiences within the church as many of them truly don't get it. I have been called a prophetess, an evangelist, blessed, annointed, a witch, cursed, wicked, the devil and told Im going to hell. All by the same group of folks. I have rejected every label they have ever tried to assign to me. Good or bad.

At one point we were members of what appeared to be a growing church but evolved into some kind of weirdly abusive cult. My assigned task was 'Nurse'. I say 'assigned' because I aint ask to be nobody's Nurse and never would.

I have often stated that there is a fine line between a Preacher and a Pimp. In addition to the control tactics, you are eventually asked for money. Despite how it is obtained, and how you fare afterwards. Single women in this church were instructed to 'bring in the men'. Single men were not assigned such tasks. And it didnt matter how the women coerced the men into the church as long as it was done. Just 'get em in here' is what we were instructed to do. I informed her I would not be hoeing for Jesus. The invitations had nothing to do with the salvation of the men. The men were to be used for physical labor and for pleasure.

My nursing assignment was anything but traditional. I was to always wear black. My job was to guard the Pastors. I was to guard the door to their chambers while they were in conference. No one was to bother them or enter the room while the door was closed. I was to check members for weapons and other items. (Or anyone who didnt agree with their views) They actually expected me to physically restrain or remove people at their discretion. The use of force or weapons against others was "ok" with them. I was also instructed to taste the food and drink that they were being served in case there was an attempted poisoning.

Furthermore I was not permitted to express any visions or propehtic information I had received without their approval. They stated that spiritual insight was exclusive to the Pastor(s), and God would not share that insight with any members without first sharing it with the Pastor.

( Here is where you can insert the hands-on-hips-neck-rolling-customized cuss out that only a SISTAH can deliver ! )

NOBODY controls me. Most folks dont like it when they learn that they cant. I told them that there is no way I would taste anyone's food to check for poisoning or remove anyone from the church. I will not use physical violence or weapons against anyone in the church and I certainly wont be guarding the door like some attack dog. Hmph! Got me walking around the church looking like a big azz Negro Ninja!

I was told I was going to hell for being disobedient and told me to leave...in front of the entire congregation. She didnt throw me out during the conversation. She interrupted a church concert in order to do it. She had to have an audience to assert power and send a message to the others. The heffa actually said 'You are dismissed!'. I told her 'Dont let me catch you in the street'.

They had the audacity to come to my house and tried to get us to return. She said she came 'in peace' and that I should be obedient to the 'rebuking'. I stood by my original decison not to tolerate any kind of spiritual abuse 'in the name of Jesus'. I had to console my son for a while after that, he loved being in church. And it hurt him deeply to be treated like that. He has the same visions and insight as I do. So as you can imagine I was furious!

I have not been the same since. I have heard horrible stories of abuse and mistreatment from some of my friends who remained there long after I was ejected from 'Crazytown'. I can honestly say Im fortunate compared to what they told me about their experiences. I wont elaborate because they trust me to keep what they shared confidential. A friend of mine has decided to write about his experiences to facilitate his own healing.

Im always pissed off when folks invite me to their churches. They all claim to have the truth and state that I should simply 'go back'. They dont have a clue, because they havent experienced the things that we have experienced. I do not permit anyone to 'lay hands' on me. It wont end well for them.

Telling me to just 'go back' is like saying "Hey you should go find the guy who knocked you off your bike and raped you when you were 10 years old and be friends with him."

I have been so caught up in 'earthly' matters I have neglected and forgotten I posess spiritual gifts. I have been having conversations with an old friend that reminded me of that. For the past few months I have been on a quest for spiritual, emotional, physical and financial healing. I just didnt really factor the spiritual healing into that equation. Im thankful for the gentle nudge. I have a church home that I love. Which is good because I was 'two seconds' from leaving Christianity and never setting foot in another church again. I could easily be Buddhist, Jewish or Islamic. Makes no difference to me.

I have had no problems with my current church after being there for ten years. When Im there, I work with the computer equipment, sound and video. It's great. Then I realize I cant tell you 10 people's names that attend that chuch. Outside of church I dont communicate with them, so it really doesnt matter to me what their names are.

I reconnected with a friend who escaped that weird cult after being trapped for 5 years. Im amazed by his calm, peaceful demeanor. His Aunt was a member and she had left as well. She shared stories with me about their experiences. He and his family were pursued and attacked after leaving. The Pastors and other members even followed the couple's children to school demanding that they return. For a while after we left, I had nightmares and couldnt sleep. I was always in a state of hyper vigiliance, ready for a confrontation in case they showed up.

He is so calm and peaceful and pleasant. There is a child like innocence to his spirit. I get it. I can share my spiritual insight with him and he gets it. And I get his insight as well. No pretense, no form or fashion. And we pray together. We share visions and glimpses of what we 'receive'. And its peaceful. I would like to have a few more friends like that.

Then again, maybe not.