sweetangel's Journal

Well Im 22 weeks today and I think I'm starting to loose my mind. I've been overly emotional lately. It started on Tuesday when I realized my mom couldnt come to my appointment with the heart doctor this Tuesday coming up. She was called for jury duty. My husband still isnt able to call off yet because hes not been with the new job 6 months yet. So I asked my husband if he could see if his mom could go because I refuse to go by myself to an appointment like that. If I get bad news I dont want to be by myself. So he called her and she said she couldnt she had to take his sister somewhere. Reminder if you guys dont know his sisters a mess shes bipolar, ADHD, has border line personality disorder, among other things. Right now shes in trouble and on house arrest and she goes to a councler 2-3 times a week. He said mom cant you just change the time of her appointment or cancle just one....this is important. Well she couldnt go so thats when it all started.....I started crying. All she talks about is the baby but everytime I've ever asked her to go to the doctor with me she cant. So at first I was upset then I got mad. So I called my sister-in-law knowing she'd have to work she said she'd check her schedule and see what she could do. Well they wouldnt give her the day off. So by this time I guess Dennie (my husband) knew how upset I was so he called his mom back and she tried to say she was sorry she just woke up and she didnt realize it was the appointment for the heart. Well she changed her mind and said shes go with me. I told my husband no now I'm mad I'll have someone else go. Well to make a longer story short shes going with me. I'm still mad and upset but I'm not going by myself so I said she could go. After I told her that she could go my little brother, well hes 20 but still lol, called and said sis I'll call off on Tuesday and go with you. Well I ended up telling him no its ok Dennies mom said she'd go. But then I felt bad because he was being so sweet. Anyways that enough about that my MIL is going to the appointment.

On top of all the emotions I think Im going nuts because yesterday I had some pains in my lower belly, probably just stretching pains. Well for some reason I started flipping out I actually told myself I was having contractions and thought I was going into early labor. I knew I wasnt but for some reason I couldnt get it out of my head. I even got out my book and starting looking at signs of preterm labor. My husband tried to comfort me and tell me I was being crazy. I told him I think Im just waiting for something bad to happen. I finally made it to 22 weeks and now I'm just going crazy. I think it has alot to do with my upcoming appointment to get Braydens heart checked out and it also has alot to do with me waiting for something bad to happen everything has been going so good its about time they turn. I guess I'm being crazy. I think if I can get past next Tuesday and find out everything is ok with Braydens heart I'll be alot better. We'll see.

WoW such a depressing journal. Maybe the next one will be good news. I told my husband its horrible I worry so much I cant even enjoy my pregnancy. I'm at the point now where I should be enjoying ever min. of it. Feeling the first movements hopefully the first kicks and punches soon, getting bigger by the min, decorating the nursery....but I just have so much doubt and worry that I cant enjoy it. Thank you guys so much for listening. Hugs Monica.  

Tomorrow I'm 21 weeks. Its still so hard to believe I'm actually pregnant. I look in the mirror at my baby bump and think this is for real this time. I've never been to the point where I can buy stuff or actually start planing for the future with a baby. I've never let myself get to that point with all my losses. Now that I finally am about to start buying stuff I've been looking for the perfect theme for his room and couldnt find anything that stuck out. I wanted to go plain like blues or greens but my husband wanted to go with a character and his first choice was pooh and I wasnt fond of any of the pooh bedding I've found. Well today I found it "Winnie the poohs portrait" bedding set. I absolutly LOVE it! Most sites I've found it on are quite pricy like $160.00 for 4 pieces, but I found it on ebay for $89.00 for 4 pieces and $159.00 for 9 pieces. So now I just have to go home and talk my husband into letting me buy it. LoL. Once he sees it he cant tell me no. LoL.

Im doing better with the news I got from the doctor. I've talked to so many people where the doctor thought they saw something on the ultrasound and then when they had the detailed ultrasound with the heart doctor there was nothing there. I also talked to someone on here whos neice really did have a small valve and she had to have surgery at 5 years old and is now a healthy 9 year old. So it gives me lots of hope.  Im still quite parinoide. I now check Braydens heart beat twice a day. Instead of once a day or once every few days. Its been staying pretty consistant at 140 which worried me at first because it used to stay in the 150's. Well me being the dummy I am rented a doppler where you have to count for 15 secs then multiply it by 4 to get the heart rate instead of a digital one. Well the other day my husband was counting and he got 30 or 31 which would be 120-124 I started to panic. So I checked it again and  I got 35 which is 140 and what it usually is. By that time though I was in a panic and told him he was never allowed to check it again. He said why 120 is still an ok heartrate and I said yeah if it wasnt always 140 it would have been fine. I said if it really was 120 I would have made him take me to the ER. Everyone thinks I'm overreacting about the heart but its my baby I have a right to be scared. I have less than 2 weeks left till my appointment. I can make it!!! I hope!

So we've decided on Brayden for the name havent decided on a spelling yet. I think I like Brayden but you also have Braiden and many others. We have a couple middle names picked out also. Brayden "Matthew" or Brayden "Lee" I like them both. My husbands middle name is Lee but everyone hes asked likes matthew better so now he dont want to use Lee. Any opinions would be great. I'm also willing to hear other middle names that people like. Such hard decisions! LOL.

Well I better let you guys go. Hugs and love. Monica.