loverboy01's Journal

Today I was thinking about something that happened to me in my childhood. At first I was just really angery about it and then I became sad and depressed....I thought I was about to breakdown and cry because I was so angery. This is the first time that I have ever tolled ANYONE about it, now I am just looking for someone to talk to. When I was about 7 or 8 years old I was sexually molested by some kids who lived down the stret from me. We were all haveing a sleep over that started out great. We were playing video games and just having a good time when one of them suggestsed that we play truth or dare. It started out harmless with things like pick your nose and eat it. To make sure that you couldn't back out of the dare they would hit you with a bat if you did back out. After a few minutes of playing one of them dared me to take off all of my clothes and jump around the room. I didn't want to but them they picked up the bat and threatened to beat me with it. Being afraid of pain at the time I did as they said.  After I was done they tolled me to keep my clothes off and then they began touching me and telling me to touch them or they would hit me with the bat. They even made me do.....*breathing harder*....oral sex. I just want to cry in anger. They said that if I ever tolled anyone about it that they wouldn't believe me about it and that they would hate me so I never tolled anyone until now. That whole thing lasted until I was 13 and I moved from that neighborhood. I have blamed them every day for the way I am now. Because of them I was always shy and didn't make friends because I didn't want that to happen again. That is also the reason that I am attracted to guys and I feel ashamed of myself for not telling them NO and taking the beating. I never did learn to tell eople no until I took JROTC....it took me 8 years to finaly make friends and ne more asertive. because of them half of my life was a dissapointment and the rest is scared forever. I feel dirty all the time and have mated me for it. On top of all that I know this kid who all he wants to do is have sex with me. I tolled him not to come over anymore but he keeps calling, he makes me feel dirty and it reminds me of the kids that were down the street. I have scrubbed myself with a wire brush just to try and feel clean again but the mud won't come off and the wires just hurt. If it weren't for those kids I would be a better person. I wouldn't have to keep things secret, I wouldn't have to try and keep friends or make new ones, and I wouldn't feel dirty all the time.