JennaB's Journal

So since last I wrote I finally hooked up with my therapist which is good, I haven't seen her for one reason or another in over a month. Not good.  I had a conversation with Tony, Javid's father, and it seems the longer I think about that conversation the more strange I feel about the whole family angle.  I am beginning to think that in the beginning, Tony assumed that our relationship would never last- was doomed to fail- and it hasn't.  When I mentioned that we celebrated our 6th month anniversary recently, he pretty much shot it down by saying months isn't 10 years.  Tony hasn't called Javid in a few days and that is starting to worry me, I don't think his father would make him chose between us, I mean, I want to be a part of, not take away. I have told myself for awhile that Javid was the one that didn't bring me around, and maybe they are the ones that do not want me around.  Apparently they never invite me, and you see Javid used to eat with his parents almost every night, was always around, now, he might see them once a week.  So I know TOny has to have some sort of negative feelings about that, right?  All he said was how unhealthy  our relationship is and it isn't fair because he has only been around us twice, when they all came over to dinner when I first moved in, and then at Javid's cousin's wedding in Santa Cruz.  So he really hasn't given me a fair shake. I dunno, I wish that everyone would just mind their own business, Like Tony is classic for this, "I don't mean to meddle, and it really isn't my place BUT I think...."  If it isn't his business why is he so damn compelled to put his negative shit out there!  Then there is the whole issue of his Dad enabling him to make very immature decisions- and that really needs to stop, like the other night when he was being an asshole and I left the restaurant he was going to go to his Dad's house- and talk shit about me - which is why we are in this position to begin with, cause he never says anything positive or good about or relationship it is always just negative stuff when we are fighting.

 God, I feel like Javid is all I talk about anymore!  Like my whole life evolves around him.  It pretty much does, I guess, I know that we need to work on that, it is a little co-dependent, both it isn't just me- we BOTH are like this.  I dunno, I know that I love him, but I feel like I constantly have to defend our relationship- and it is getting old- you know.  Like just now I am sitting in the van while he moves a guy, and he introduced me as his "associate"   What the hell is that?  Before hand, he didn't want me to come, then he changed his mind and he has been a moody mess ever since.  I need to get back to what I want aand I need, I guess it has been difficult since i haven't been working, and I am totally financially dependent on him right now. Which is something I swear to GOD I will never do again.

 His father asked me this question: "Are you there because you want to be or because you feel like you have to be"  I have been mulling over this question since that morning, and my answer remains because I want to be, though at times I am so frustrated, that it drives me mad- you know?  Well thus is life, right?  Nothing is ever perfect, or exactly right, but things are good, that is enough,  Not everyday is going to be a good one.  More later