JennaB's Journal

So last night was pretty cool.  We hung out, made up, and had the most intimate sexual experience to date.  I totally felt like i was a part of him, and he was a part of me, and we were in this beautiful trance.  I have never experienced anything even close to that with anyone else before. It was intense.  This morning I went back to the hotel and went off to work.  We talked in brief about our living arrangements last night, and I told him that I only had $71.00 for the whiel month until I get paid when I go back to work, which will not be until the first the way my job works, so he will have to cover me, which he has been since I took off, and he is cool with that. My brain tells me that I need to not move back with him, and keep my own apartment so that when something like this happens I am not shit out of luck- but then my heart feels that If I don't stay living with him, I am a failure as a partner or something- you know!?!  It is apparent to me that Javid cannot go three days with out me.  He even revealed to me last night that the night before he masturbated and thought of me-  How incredibly flattering, you know!?!  Probably too much information, but oh well!!!!  I hate the hotel though, it is small and hot and there isn't a TV or internet access.  And Javid and Fred are not there. I want to go back home. I mean we both agree that we will sleep in the same bed every night, and having two places wasn't practical because of he got a lot of tickets parking downtown san francisco.  Parking in this city is a nightmare- and very expensive- downtown a quarter in a parking meter will only get you 6 minutes.  Plus Javid just took on a car payment that we were planning on paying with the money I was gonna give for rent, so it will be such much harder financially for him, and we will spend less time together because he'll have to work more.  It just seems like a bad idea.  Yes, we need space, we shouldn't work together, I feel like my return to work will be all the space we need.  It is funny in the course of the almost six months we have been together we have truly overcome a lot of major things, like the whole tranny issue.  It still rears it's ugly head once in awhile, but I am blessed that I don't get too much attention, and it is rarely negative. But still it is something that most folks don't have to deal with, People and there stupid judgmental stares.  I have some tranny girl friends that get it constantly, and I can only imagine how hard that must be, because when it happens to me it devastates me- and some of that is feeling responsible for Javid's feelings, or embarrassment or whatever- he says he is cool with it, and he tries, but I think sometimes it is a bit much.  It was worse in the beginning, cause he'd never actually went out to eat or on dates with a transgender gal before- his experiences had been limited to sexual encounters with transgender prostitutes and drag queens- so there was this whole wall of resistance to the validity of our relationship- like I cannot birth a baby, his friends being immature and  proudly voicing their disapproval.  His family however have been a bit of a blessing and are pretty cool with me.  Though Javid has a habit of only sharing negative information with his dad about me, and never bringing me around the family which is kinda preventing any formation of a relationship between us.  I haven't really thought about the family part before, and I think I should give it some attention, family is very important to Javid,  I think I need to make an effort to engage his dad more, but Javid has resisted in the past, I think I might talk with him about this this evening.  Javid also feels like he cannot hang out with anyone because I will get mad, which couldn't be further from the truth. and so he spends all his time with me, and then later notices he has neglected his relationship with his father for several weeks, and blames me for it.  Most women would have left him by now, I told him that yesterday when he picked me up and showered me with kisses and apologies.  I am happy we are back together, I was a bit jaded that I wasn't going to get to enjoy the first flowers anyone ever got me. (Javid bought me flowers and took me to an expensive Persian Restaurant three nights before we broke up again. ANd like the last time it only lasted a couple of days. I have to really think hard about my next move.  I will not have the free hotel room from the Hot Team again if I leave it too go back with him.  Rann has hooked me up twice, and she told me there wouldn't be a third.  It is a wonderful opportunity.  I can stay rent free as long as I need to get put into permanent low income housing.  The Head or the Heart!?!? I swear I will go mad.  Javid told me that the car payment isn't that big of a deal, but I know it is, like yesterday was a bad bad day for him, because he has been working like crazy without taking a day off for weeks, he'd ran into a parked car, and ended up falling off the wagon briefly ( the important thing is that we are back on track today and the length of time between using is getting longer and longer.) Harm Reduction works for us.  It is how I got of Heroin four years ago and haven't picked up since, that and methadone.  So I can stay in the crappy hotel and once I start work again, stack a couple of checks, get put on a couple of housing lists and get a place.  I don't want to go into an SRO which stands for single room occupancy, which is a fancy name for a hotel room with a shared bath in the worse part of town.  I have come too far for that.  LIke i have come to far to end up on the streets, I can proudly say that I have options today, so the choice I make about Javid is very very important. I have to have guaranteed stability. Which I think means we need to live separately.  I need to stop looking at it like a failure, or set back.  Maybe it is just too soon for us to live together- I just don't know, he just called me and said he messed up his morning job and needs me to come to his 2pm job and is on his way to pick me up.  (What's happened to me not going on jobs with him?) I guess I need to just accept that  Javid is just an impulsive kinda of guy, do to his illness, which has been worse lately, and that the stability in my life will be my doing- that I cannot depend on him for that.  WIthout stability my life is pretty much a mess. A mess that makes working the kind of job that I do impossible, I cannot help anyone if my life is in shambles.   He should be here soon, I am going to stop by the hotel and get a change of clothes and my shower stuff so I can get ready, he dropped me off this morning and I basically went to a coffee shop and am having breakfast.  After that Mr. Kashani and I are going to have ourselves a important conversation about our future.