JennaB's Journal

So Javid finally picked me up and things were a bit off at first.  But after about fifteen minutes I feel things got better.  I dunno if I should listen to my gut or my heart these days, I know that he loves me and that he wants me here in his life, it is just sometimes things do not add up- like today, he jumped out of bed and raced off acting like he was going to be late for a job, and after I chilled for awhile I noticed on my phone that the job wasn't going to begin for about thirty minutes, and he'd left over an hour earlier.  Then the whole thing about not picking me up for the next job, and then conveniently getting stuck in traffic- it isn't the first time this kinda thing has happened, and it is always on those days when we are apart which leads me to think that he is messing around or something.  It doesn't help that we saw Lisa on the street the day before and she was yelling and raising hell with Javid.  What the hell is that? It freaks me out a little, Javid swears that she is history, but it wouldn't be the first time he lied to me about Lisa.  FUCK! I hate knowing whether or not I can trust him.  He says he is going to see his father and will be back in 45 minutes.  I am going to be livid if he is not.  LIVID. I mean, he loves me- he does, but he is a man.  We had sex a little while ago, and it seemed different.  He only lasted for a minute, which is strange, and I couldn't even tell if he climaxed or not- which is also odd.  I hate feeling this way, you know- I mean, my god if I cannot trust him, after everything we have gone through- what is the point of going on with any of it!!!!  FOR REAL.  

And I do not trust him.  Even now, I am not sure if he is really on his way to see his Dad or not. I mean I do not want to be in a relationship with someone I do not trust, and yeah he has been doing good, I think, lately, but if that were true, why would I be feeling the way I do right now?  You know?  Now I have had a lot of fucked up boyfriends, and to be honest, Javid throwing me out with the help of the cops and not even wanting me to pack a bag before I left, affected me.  I thought I would be able to move on, forgive and forget, but I dunno.  How do you trust someone after such a thing?  I mean for real?  It just seems like I am always climbing up hill in this relationship trying to proove myself to the world, his friends, his family, total strangers... I am so sick of being on this interrogation runway I call a life.  I just want to love and be loved.  Shit is great with us, as long as no one else is involved in our relationship it seems.  I do not know if that is healthy- I want us to both have our own lives, our own friends, and what not- but it seems like everyone in his life is totally against me, and well there aren't that many people in my life, especially now, I haven't been a very good friend since I have been with Javid, I neglect everyone.  Anyway, that is where I am right now, waiting for him to return from his Dad's house.  I always feel like I am waiting, you know.  And before today, I would have sworn that everything was perfect between us.  If I cannot trust him when he is away from me, than we really do not have a relationship, you know.  I think I need to do some serious thinking on this.  You know?  Than on the other hand, this could be all in my head!!!  ARRGH! It is always something isn't it, if I am not depressed about something real,I will fabricate something!