JennaB's Journal

I have been so wrapped up in work and life that I haven't had a chance to write i my journal lately,,, But it looks like I might be having more time soon.  Javid and I might be breaking up.  We got into an argument last night I had been drinking and before I know it he left, and I got locked out if the house and the police had to come let me in, then Javid's father came over and Javid asked me to leave.  Thank god, I didn't loose my housing.  I am a day away from loosing my apartment, and then I would have seriously been screwed.  I've been up all night packing everything I own, and I am finished now.  I cleaned up the house and up all of his things back like they were when we moved in together.  I just went on and on, I think I am still in shock over the whole thing.  The crying subsided last night and I kept myself busy, and I am just now allowing myself to sit and take a moment.  Ironically, this is Gay Pride weekend.  I just don't know what to do.  He has been better to me than anyone has ever been and I am loosing him.  I just wrote him and email asking him to work it out, and when I started that song "It's too late to apologize came on the radio, I hope that isn't an omen. I so so so cannot deal with this.  I have never been happy- no one has ever loved me.  I told my sister that I was transgender last night and she accepted it and loves me.  I was so blown away by that.  I just don't know what happened.  I am terrified that I am going to be alone.  

The seriously screwed up part is I really don't know what happened, and not because I had to much to drink but because Javid closed down and left- and I freaked out.  I was so off the hook last night when Javid's dad came over to "mediate"  All Javid said was that I should move, and then he wanted me to pack a bag and leave everything I have, and I was a mess I collasped and begged to be allowed to stay the night.  I made such a fool out of myself,  That is the thing about love, you can't control it, it controls you.  We have to work this out. we just have to, he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't loose him, I just cannot.  I feel like I am waiting for the other foot to drop  I don't know what to do.  He took my keys back last night and I am so so so scared.  

A million things are going through my head right now.  What if he doesn't even come over here today?  What am I suppose to do?  What if he brings the police over and kicks me out, what if he decides he doesn't want to move me back to my apartment, and I loose everything I own.  I would throw it all away just not to loose him. I am such a freaking loser.

 I push everyone away from me.  I will write more when I know more.  Please pray for me