JennaB's Journal

So I asked my therapist for help with my ticket/job situation during what turned out to be one hell of a session.  I have found myself glamorizing "checking out" in my journals, and on friday after Javid left to work and I got up to get ready, had one of my staring in the mirror "stuck" episodes where I know I have to brush my teeth, and wash my face, but I am paralyzed and don't know where to begin.  It wasn't a long one, only about eight minutes or so but it was enough to alarm me. And it has been all about the ticket and not being able to start my other job, being financially dependent on Javid, and all of that.  It has really been messing with me. So one of the case managers that specializes in court matters is going to help me out with it, cause I just get overwhelmed and put it off, avoid it, and I can't afford to do it anymore, I am sure this job has a window of time until she goes ahead and hires someone else.  Then there is the whole free hotel room that i have been keeping and not staying at, provided by the same person that offered me the job.  ARRGH it is such a mess!!!

 And I should mention that Javid and I blew $200 last night trying to get high, we were ripped off for half of it, but at that point there was no going back.  We had a talk this morning about it, and I am trying to stay positive.  I should have been expecting this.  I had thought he got high earlier in the week, and he told me he didn't and I believe him, so I should have been preparing for something like this- but he caught me at the wrong time, I was tipsy and said what the hell! Not one of my proudest or brightest moments I must say.  We are doing so much better, it has been three weeks since the last time we picked up, so at least we aren't using all the time. I know that for some people that is just a cop out and what not, but I am holding on to the Harm Reduction Model here. And it isn't so much the doing of the drugs that is bothersome to me, it is the money wasted on them that is the real pisser.  But what can we do, pick ourselves up and start a anew.  Today is the first day of the rest of our lives, right?

I went to the Prop 8 protest in front of San Francisco City Hall yesterday.  It was huge.  I am really happy how everyone here is coming together over this CIVIL RIGHTS issue.  Yesterday's crowd was not just LGBTQ Community but there were straight families and couples there as well.  I went with this tranny friend of mine, Katrina.  We had a good time, I must say.  It was hot, but lots of laughs and what not. Katrina is my friend that Javid and I went out with her and her boyfriend last month or so to pool with.  We were talking about doing it again soon, I have to say it was nice, not to feel like the odd girl out, for a change- not to say I feel odd, I mean different or something, I guess... Or no, odd, odd actually works i guess.  So this morning, has been chill I guess, Javid is busy at work right now, making up for that money we blew last night.  Like idiots  More later.

This morning I woke early, got up took care of my chores and got ready, letting Javid sleep in.  He came in super later, around 2am last night, after telling me he would be home around 9pm, didn't happen and he didn't call to let me know he would be late, but I managed to let it go, don't sweat the little things, is becoming my new motto.  Then on the way to work I notice how tore up Javid looks, his eyes are all puffy and he looks like he was ran over by a truck, and to top it off, he has a errection that will not go away.  Seriously, and he says he didn't do any drugs or anything last night, I was going to leave work and go to the Emergency Room with him, but on his way here, he said the errection went away.  WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO THINK ABOUT THIS?  For real, isn't this all a little strange, ofcourse, he as I type I am remembering more things that just do not add up.  Like for instance, he owes his dad $50 and last night he said he wanted to smoke crack with me, and as I get out of the car at work, he only gives me two dollars for coffee instead of a five because he was broke.  I am pretty sure that hew as doing drugs, I overheard him saying something that sounded a lot like a reference to cocaine when he was on the phone making plans to kick it.  I seriously hate to be lied to, I mean if he will lie about this, what else will he lie about, you know?  Don't Sweat the Little Things, but is all this little, or a prelude to something larger that is about to surface?  I am not sure if I am just mad that I wasn't invited, or what.  I am seriously glad that I didn't use last night, I need to stop going along and using with Javid, and stop for myself because that is what I want and need to do.  I am going to leave this alone, I think that this is one of those situations where I have a habit of making accusations and picking fights, and Javid told me he did not use, I need to trust him at his word, just like I need to trust that he is faithful to me.  He loves me, and I need to stop getting in my own way of that and let it be.  Besides, even if he did do a little cocaine last night with his friend, so what?  I hate that he said he was coming home to get high and then didn't, but whatever, I am glad today because I would have regretted it anyway, right? 

And it is done and over with, right? I need to be focusing more on making more money some how, or taking care of that damn ticket, I just feel so overwhelmed because of it.  It is like it is more than I can deal with, and I don't know if I could go back to working in a coffee shop of something, you know. Though, it used to be great fun.  Maybe I should look into finding something part time in a little coffee shop or something. They all try so hard to be Starbucks these days, and I do not want to go there.  I have to do something though, I am sick of never having any money of my own, ever!  It really sucks, it really does. 

I think I am going to go to a Prop 8 protest at City Hall on Saturday, you know Prop 8 is the measure taking gay people's right to marry away in California.  I've been wanting to get more involved in that, shoot, anything, I need to involve myself in something besides Javid!  I need to get anoter job.  That is all there is too it, I need to polish up my resume and go hunting tomorow on my day off. 

My mood is piss poor and today is my friday, and I am only working three hours! Now that just ain't right.

 I need to take action for my life. Stop letting Javid pay for me.  I mean it isn't like i do not contribute, I do, and I do not ask Javid for lots of money for shopping and things like that, he basically feeds me, except around the 1st of the month when I buy a bunch of groceries.

I just don't know. I don't feel very happy about things right now, I am a little depressed.  I hate it, cause I feel like I spend so much time and energy on Javid that I have little to no time left for me, like I am finally seeing how I am kinda loosing myself in this relationship, which I think I have always done, and am doing again because it is easier than to deal with my issues.  You know?  I've got to stop it, and I have to stop playing the victim, I bitch and whine about not having any money, and blame others, like that cop that gave me that ticket for placing obsticales in my path.  I think I am just a little overwhelmed right now, and I just want to sit and stare at a wall again, which I know isn't good.  It just kinda sounds peaceful to me.  I used to check out and do just that a couple of years ago before I got medication that helped with my depression and PTSD.  I cannot believe that I want to do that again, that I would conscioulsy think in my head that checking out is a good idea, even if just for a little while, it is like everything else addictive, a little is never enough.  It is just that sometimes I have the harde3st time coping with things like I said before are little things, Don't Sweat the Little things! 

More later....

So Veterans Day was nice, we just kicked it around the house, I made pasta, and we watched this really great movie called "An American Crime"  with and coming actress Ellen Page, if you don't know who she is, look for her, she was the girl in "Hard Candy" and now this,  Simply amazing, a modern Jody Foster, or Kate Winslet.  Anyway, I got to go in late to work again today, around 3pm which meant we spent the morning doing laundry, then after Javid dropped me off, he went to welcome his little brother Aiden and stepmother Ida bach from Iran, they've been gone for three months.  I really am having a hard time accepting it has been that long since they left, but it has.  I was a little sad that I was invited to welcome them back, but of well.  It happens.  It is looking more and more likely that I will not be joining Javid's family for Thanksgiving, and I am actually becoming fine with it,  I think at the last minute they are going to extend an offer out of feeling sorry for me or something, and I am thinking that regardless I am taking my power back and just deciding right now that I do not want to go, perhaps Javid's family should remain separate, at least until I feel they have come to a point that they are honest with how they behave, plus, I feel that there is pressure on Javid, and I do not want to add to that, because it is going to blow up in his father's face, it already has in a lot of ways, so I think I am going to remain neutral, and independent. Javid is actually out tonight with his friend Paul and I am supposing his girlfriend, Paul is the friend that called me a football player, mannish, a monkey among other things, and told me to fuck off,  we do not get along, but instead of being petty I let it all go, and try to support Javid with his relationships as long as they remain respectful to me, which I really do not know if they are or not- but I choose not to waste much thought in that department anymore, it will just drive me crazy. I have actually been doing a lot of work lately on letting go. To be honest this relationship with Javid is the first real relationship I have ever had, and I have learned so much about relationships, and myself since it's inception over eight months ago.  I used to complain and worry, I would freak out on a daily basis over little things that I cannot control, which pretty much was driving him away from me. It finally dawned on me how I was doing this, how I was actually causing the behavior that I was trying to prevent with being "honest, and sharing my feelings of concern" which were actually just my insecurities and jealousy.  Once I learned that, I have found that my day to day reality is so so so much better.  Do not get me wrong, my life is far from what I would like it to be, I feel sometimes that I tend to put my problems and issues on hold to help Javid with his, and it is to the point that sometimes Javid even forgets that I suffer from major depressive disorder and PTSD, he can actually be very consuming with his issues, I mean it has gotten better, but sometimes he will get in one of his moods, and it is all I can do to be there, and not just take off.  you know?  It is like he is so set in his way, and he will not even listen to options or try to be positive, or try anything new.  It is a struggle, I guess, the biggest one in our relationship right now, that and me not making money.  But hey, I am sure so many other people have it much worse than I do, so hey.  I hang on to that, I guess... More later