TrB22's Journal

I think quitting the program was a mistake.I did it in a moment of anger at someone there.I dont know what I should do.My family thinks I should go back.

I will explain what happened on Friday.I had been upset about Gavin being ill and I thought he was going to die.On friday I started the program like I would any other day but I was trying to keep it together and not cry and get upset.At the morning group we were supposed to talk about the upcoming weekend and I sort of told what was going on, I said about Gavin being in the hospital.Well supressing the emotion  worked for a few hours then I could no longer pretend to be okay.I asked to talk to the psychiatrist there and I broke down crying in her office and explained to her what was going on and that I didnt know if I should stay there because I felt guilty.She was very compassionate and nice about the situation but she said she thought the best thing was to stay because Gavin would want me to.And that I need to focus on that he is getting taken care of and so am I.I cant remember all the conversation but she asked a lot of medical questions since shes an MD.

And then I went in the community room and asked for the advice of the girls in the room and I cried again and told them what was going on.They thought I should stay.One girl brought up the point of asking if I was there could I prevent him from dying.So the support of the group and the doctor helped alot and is the only reason why i didnt leave then.They helped me see things more clearly.And 2 girls said I could use their cell phones to call my dad and see how Gavin was.So I figured I would get through lunch and then call.I did like 90% of lunch which was great considering how worked up I was.I felt sick and I had to do everything to focus on eating and not getting lost in emotion again.I thought 90% was great and I figured I would get supplement which is what they normally do.Well instead one of the nurses said " you need to come with me" and brought me to an office down the hall and almost the whole team was there minus the doctor I talked to. And 2 of the other people were not there that day.One person said you look very very sad and I said my nephew is in the hospital and I started crying again.Well I dont think they cared very much.They were just mad that I didnt do 100% of the meal.

They wanted me to sit there and eat apple crisp that the group had made, in front of them and whatever else to make up for what I hadnt eaten.THey were going to put the apple crisp in font of me and a bucket next to me in case I had to throw up.But then the nurse is like "Theres no throwing up in this program"Then one started yelling and swearing and the nurse said that she thought I wanted attention.That made me angry and I said" Oh yeah I made my nephew sick for attention!" And I said I didnt care if it sounded manipulative.They didnt say anything back.And I remember saying I didnt think I could do 100% of dinner and I wanted to be with my family and one lady said that meant discharge and I said okay.

I just wanted to leave the room.I already felt so sad and emotional and they added humilation and more stress to me I just had enough.And that same nurse did my discharge papers so I stayed mad.

The meeting was just so cold compared to the support I had gotten before lunch.Like I know its not their job to care but they didnt have to be so cold. so thats what happened in a nutshell.A lot I do not remember.