Dreamster's Journal

This week Shawnee has been out of town with her work and she has been very distant. She texts a few times in the morning and we chat or talk on the phone in the evenings but, during the day she never returns my texts. I almost feel like I shouldn't even bother with expecting to hear from her today (Thursday) unless I initiate the contact. But even then, she doesn't respond. I guess I am feeling very disappointed about everything right now…not just her, but everything. I am very sad.

I don’t even feel like telling you about my sadness because it is probably natural for me to feel lonely at times since I am recently divorced. What I am feeling is actually healthy for me to experience, but it hurts just the same. I think what I am feeling is mostly anger, but I have found that the anger is hiding my sadness. When I got home from work yesterday I felt angry. I went outside to the backyard to do something and ended up sitting down and cried. I am mad at Shawnee for always leaving me hanging, I am mad at my x wife for leaving our marriage. I am mad at everyone it seems just because nobody seems to really be here for me. I am still alone. I ended up taking a nice hot tub in the evening and had some good chats. That really helped me to feel better. When I cry, I usually cry for a little while but eventually I snap out of it and pick myself up and get on with life. I guess it has been a really long road, but I am doing so much better these days.

Shawnee did reach out to me last night, but it was a very short chat. She was tired and went to bed. She is on a two hour ahead time difference than me so she had been up too late. I do understand. Recently, there has been this new girl who has introduced herself to me online. She knows I am with Shawnee but she keeps coming around and wants to be just friends anyway. She is really coming on strong too but I am not interested in her romantically. I don't mind being just friends but, I am only interested in a relationship with Shawnee and I told her that. Shawnee means so much to me and I will not do anything to hurt her. Besides, meeting this new girl online just reminds me how I am losing confidence in this whole online dating thing. The way I see this girl (unfortunately) is that what she appears to be online, is not real. It is a fantasy. Only when you are with a person and spend time with them can you really experience the reality of what they are really like. I find that pictures can be the most deciving.

Even my pictures may not represent what I look like in reality. I tell you thou, a few girls I met in person did look much better than in thier pix. Shawnee is one of them and Andrea is another. I don;t know what people think I look like but if you meet me in person I will problably not be what you expect.... see, thats what i'm talking about with this online dating thing. It may work for some, but over all I am finding that sooo many people are left disappointed.

Now, concerning Shawnees emotional distance.... In the past I have talked with some of you that have helped me and taught me to be patient with Shawnee. You say that when a girl has been repeatedly hurt in relationships that she is very cautious and becomes very slow to get involved, or to even trust again. See, that is what I need to continue to understand about Shawnee. She needs time to trust and be comfortable with me. I do not want it to be a fast thing that burns out quickly….so, in our case, slow is good. We are planning on seeing each other the first of this coming month... so, we seem to be progressing fine.

I guess I am just hurting from everything right now. To many disappointments with relationships and such. Even with my Doggie. I am almost ready to put my poor Dachshund to sleep. He has been mostly my dog for the last 13 years. He is the best dog I have ever owned. He is very sick with heart problems and he's losing his hair. He is not eating anything this week but he is drinking a little water. All the meds he is taking is making him so skinny and weak. I am afraid I will have to put him down by next week or sooner. That is another thing that I am upset about. Nobody seems to care about whats happening in my life. Well, I know they do but, I just spend so much time alone that it seems like nobodies around that cares.

I have been crying a lot this week too. I guess I really miss having a home with someone close to my heart living with me. With Halloween coming up, I saw a family shopping for a pumpkin at a pumpkin patch. I remember those days….so carefree….. All the time in the world. No worries other than to find just the right pumpkin to put a face on. Now, it is so far from me. I have no need to buy a pumpkin. I have no family anymore to share that kind of time with. I even cried looking at my friend Andreas' happy pictures from the past. I cried seeing her poor son too. Why do people have to break up a happy home? Perhaps it just wasn’t happy for them. I see things differently. I was happy, and all I want to do is be happy again.

I have my moments, but over all I have become happy again. Thx for reading my long post. I always write too much don’t I? ~lol

All my love, ~Eric