Dreamster's Journal

This may be my last Journal entry on here for a while. I feel I have finally gotten to a place where I can manage my life on my own. DS has been real good to me over the past 2 years. I always refer people I meet to this site when they are going thru life’s mishaps. They say they find it very helpful, as I have. As far as I go... I am still on wellbutren from my depression and it works wonders. Almost to the point that I can say I am not depressed anymore? Just to be safe, I will keep taking it until I know for sure that I can be stable without it. Everyone goes thru some ups and downs in life, so, a little sadness is understandable.

Even thou I have moments of sadness and cry everyday, I still manage to pick myself up and live my life. I am beginning to accept that this is the way my life is on my own. I keep a pretty clean house. I cook and go shopping for good food and nice clothes. I have a great job and a car that gets 45 MPG. I will be planning on retiring in about 5 years. If things continue to go good with Shawnee and I, I will probably end up moving to Texas and buying a house so we can get married and live our lives together. Sounds like a plan, but will this happen? I don’t know, but its something to shoot for. Its important to have goals in life. Gives you a sense of direction and purpose to live.

Unfortunately her and I have a pattern of problems but, whos relationship is problem free? I have notice that about every 2 weeks something happens that causes us drama. Most of it is because of my own insecurities, but luckily this new medication I am taking is really helping me feel more positive about my life and less insecure and jealous and thus, less problems. I am trying to be more understanding and let Shawnee be herself and do her own thing. She has been doing a great job of compromising and working with me when we do have issues. That is a good sign of a lasting relationship. We do work well together, even when working thru problems when they come up.

Right now I am on a mission to see how long we can go without drama. I have my moments, like I said where I cry everyday.. But that is my drama, I don’t need to make it hers. Whenever I start to feel jealous or insecure I just sit back and hold my pillow and cry. I try not to accuse her of anything because in the past whenever I do, I end up feeling like an idiot because I overreacted and my assumptions are always wrong. That’s something I am working on. So, I find myself crying it off and not bothering Shawnee with my drama.

I think being in a long distant relationship is not always easy. She does make as good of an effort as I do to have communication. We really do interact so well that we live our lives together even thou we live far apart. I keep in touch with her thru text messaging during the day and then we chat online thru instant messenger practically every night. It's on the nights when she is out with friends that I start missing her and feel sad. I know that is my problem because, just like I am entitled to some nights out, she is too. That’s mostly when I cause the drama.. When she is out doing something other than spending time with me. That’s my insecurity that I am working on.. Because it isn’t right and I know she can be trusted.

Shawnee will be moving into a new apartment and living with one of her girlfriends for the next year. This girl is one that I trust and respect. As far as Shawnee and her lesbian friends go, I got a chance to meet and hang out with them last time I was in Texas for the BBW bash. Once again, it was my overactive mind that made me think things were worse than they are. There was no interest in Shawnee from this one girl in particular that I was worried about. As a matter of fact.. She was doing her own thing most of the time. Shawnee and I had a lot of good alone time as well as time with her friends. I always end up worrying for nothing.. So, I am working on that too.

Linda (my ex wife) and I continue to have good communications as well. We still periodically get together for dinner and we keep in touch thru text messaging but, we are only friends now. Her and I will probably not have a relationship again. I find this sad and hard to accept, but that is the reality she made when she divorced me. I have been forced to move on in my life and I am doing so. I guess I am accepting of our divorce even thou it has been a long, hard road to do that. I guess this is why I joined Daily Strength in the first place, to get over my wife leaving me. Well I ever completely accept it? (Here I go crying again) I’m sure the day will come when

I won‘t be as affected emotionally. I was divorce years ago from my first wife and what hurt me bad back then means nothing to me emotionally now.

I have come to understand that I am a very emotional person. This is why I still cry everyday. There is nothing wrong with crying but, to not stay there is the key to moving on in life. I have great plans for my life and I am excited that I have a beautiful future. Even thou life is filled with its ups and downs.. Over all, its not that bad. With winter coming, it will be hard for me to keep a positive attitude. I get so depressed that time of year. So, maybe I will be back to write an update on here then! ~lol

I wanted to thank everyone for your love and support over the time I have been on here, and for helping me get thru my divorce. Its still not over but, in general I think its safe to say I won’t be writing on here for a while. In parting, I want to leave you with this song; “We Need Each Other" by the Christian band; Sanctus Real.

God Bless and be with you all~!!!

Much love and hugs,

~Eric