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I feel like I have had it with everything right now. My work has offered me an early retirement option that I decided I cannot take because I cannot afford to live on less that half of what I make now. The reality of retirement and what I am going to do with my life has set in. I need to pay down my bills and start another supplement retirement fund in order to afford to retire. Linda got the supplemental retirement in our divorce. So, I am starting to develop goals and ideas to achieve a comfortable retirement.
Right now I am so unhappy with the way things are going in my life. I love Shawnee but I feel like we are always having issues. The latest being her life style is a little different than mine. She has single, bi, sexually promiscuous girlfriends that really bothers me that she has them as friends. It is not my place to tell her who she can hang out with.. etc. I figure if I don’t agree with her choices or lifestyle then I just best move on.
I am going to a (Big Beautiful Woman) BBW Bash this weekend and spending it with Shawnee. Her and all her friends will be there. She always insists that I have nothing to worry about as far as her bi girlfriends hitting on her goes. She says she is not interested in them sexually. To me it still makes me uncomfortable and I think I have become somewhat of a homophobe and don’t trust anyone that is gay or lesbian. Frankly, I am tired of feeling like I have to compete with another girl for my girlfriends affection and attention. It just isn’t right. If people want to live a bi lifestyle then I will let them.. But I personally need to stay away from that scene. It makes me too uncomfortable.
So, I am not totally looking forward to this weekend. I almost expect there is going to be something that happens and I am going to have to leave the room. I guess I am an old fuddy duddy but I don’t need things in my life that I don’t feel comfortable with. It seems like something always comes up between Shawnee and I. Last time it was her old boyfriend and this time it's a new girlfriend. I have just about had it with all the drama in my relationship with her. I guess no relationship is ever that easy but, there is always something she does that i don't care for.
I am not ready to break up with Shawnee just yet, but I can see that I am getting stronger in myself and it won’t be as hard on me when I do. It all seems to be coinciding with my new vision and plan for retirement. When Shawnee and I do breakup, I will just focus all my time and money on preparing to retire. Investing, planning to relocate, maybe travel to find a new place to live. Those are all things I have been considering. Maybe even going to a vocational college to learn web design so I can start a new business that I can work from anywhere in the world. I am still considering opening a pizza shop or even a coin operated car wash to have continued investment income well into my retirement.
I have been talking to Linda, my ex wife, about the possibility of getting back together again. I am not sure how that would work if we did. She was a very hard woman to live with.. So strict and stern, but part of me still feels an obligation to carry out my marriage commitment to her even thou we ended up getting a divorce. A divorce can always be a temporary thing, perhaps her and I have changed enough over the time apart to have success in a marriage again. I don’t feel too positive about that. That’s why if we do try to work things out, I will be very reserved. It makes me sad because part of me feels like it just won’t work. It is almost how I feel about Shawnee, it makes me sad that it just won’t work. even though I love both of them very much, but something is missing.. I know what that something is too….where is their love for me? I just don’t feel the love from them as much as I should.
I’ll let you know how things turn out.. Until then,
BIG hugs!!
~Eric
