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I want to be brutally honest since no one really knows me personally anyways. Today is Shawnee and mine 1 year anniversary. It has been a real struggle of a relationship this whole time. I have cried a lot of tears over this girl who is not always there for me. I have almost broken up with her numerous times, the latest being just yesterday, but she seems to not want me to leave. I think the problem is with me more than her. I am finding out that I am a very jealous and insecure man.
The way Shawnee presents her love makes me feel like I am not really that important to her. Our love styles are different. She prefers more distant and detached love, where I prefer to be closer. We are compatible in all areas across the board except in our love styles and it makes me feel insecure to be in a relationship with her. Perhaps I will feel that way about anyone I have a relationship with.. Perhaps I am just not ready to be involved yet. I feel like I have trust issues and am being jealous and causing Shawnee unneeded stress because of it. That is why I have been feeling like breaking it off with her.. There is too much uneasiness in my heart and it is hard to be happy with her. I think she may be feeling the same way.
With all that said, now I can confess how much of a bad man I am. I have started to see another girl on the side. Its seems like when Shawnee is not there for me, this other girl is. Its amazing how she has come along and is filling the voids that Shawnee leaves in my relationship with her. Do I need two girlfriends? No! But, I do enjoy both of their company. I admit I am in love with Shawnee because I have known her a lot longer. She is my babe. This new girl is really starting to win my affection thou. I have never been so spoiled by anyone before. Not even in my marriage. This new girl really knows how to show me that I am special and she treats me with so much affection. That is the area that Shawnee never does for me. She shows me no affection even thou she does say she loves me. It seems like Shawnee is normally busy with friends and such and this new girl wants to spend time with me too frequent. I have to tell her I need my space.. And I do.
So, where are things going in my life? I don’t know. I have even been seeing my ex on a few occasions too. We went out to dinner a few times. Nothing romantic, just as friends. To tell you the truth. I would rather forget all my relationships and get back together with my ex wife. But, I know that isn’t going to happen so soon. I am thinking if Shawnee and I don’t work out, then I am going to get a night job and do some moonlighting for awhile. This other girl kind of comes and goes and is more of a friend than a lover. At least that’s how I feel about her right now.
Like I said, Shawnee is my babe and my heart is towards her. Where will it go? I guess time will tell. There has been a lot of disappointing things Shawnee has been doing and perhaps that is why my heart has a hard time being content. But, if we break up I want her to be the one to do it. And I want her to have an understanding of why we didn’t work out. Mainly it is because of our different love styles. I am always left feeling needy and wanting more. Perhaps that is why affairs happen. Perhaps that is why there is a new girl I am seeing too. I feel bad about things, but part of me is enjoying it as well. I will have to let you know how my life collapses in my next journal. I bet you something is going to give.. Eventually the truth always comes out.
Hugs,
~Eric
