Dreamster's Journal

This may be my last Journal entry on here for a while. I feel I have finally gotten to a place where I can manage my life on my own. DS has been real good to me over the past 2 years. I always refer people I meet to this site when they are going thru life’s mishaps. They say they find it very helpful, as I have. As far as I go... I am still on wellbutren from my depression and it works wonders. Almost to the point that I can say I am not depressed anymore? Just to be safe, I will keep taking it until I know for sure that I can be stable without it. Everyone goes thru some ups and downs in life, so, a little sadness is understandable.

Even thou I have moments of sadness and cry everyday, I still manage to pick myself up and live my life. I am beginning to accept that this is the way my life is on my own. I keep a pretty clean house. I cook and go shopping for good food and nice clothes. I have a great job and a car that gets 45 MPG. I will be planning on retiring in about 5 years. If things continue to go good with Shawnee and I, I will probably end up moving to Texas and buying a house so we can get married and live our lives together. Sounds like a plan, but will this happen? I don’t know, but its something to shoot for. Its important to have goals in life. Gives you a sense of direction and purpose to live.

Unfortunately her and I have a pattern of problems but, whos relationship is problem free? I have notice that about every 2 weeks something happens that causes us drama. Most of it is because of my own insecurities, but luckily this new medication I am taking is really helping me feel more positive about my life and less insecure and jealous and thus, less problems. I am trying to be more understanding and let Shawnee be herself and do her own thing. She has been doing a great job of compromising and working with me when we do have issues. That is a good sign of a lasting relationship. We do work well together, even when working thru problems when they come up.

Right now I am on a mission to see how long we can go without drama. I have my moments, like I said where I cry everyday.. But that is my drama, I don’t need to make it hers. Whenever I start to feel jealous or insecure I just sit back and hold my pillow and cry. I try not to accuse her of anything because in the past whenever I do, I end up feeling like an idiot because I overreacted and my assumptions are always wrong. That’s something I am working on. So, I find myself crying it off and not bothering Shawnee with my drama.

I think being in a long distant relationship is not always easy. She does make as good of an effort as I do to have communication. We really do interact so well that we live our lives together even thou we live far apart. I keep in touch with her thru text messaging during the day and then we chat online thru instant messenger practically every night. It's on the nights when she is out with friends that I start missing her and feel sad. I know that is my problem because, just like I am entitled to some nights out, she is too. That’s mostly when I cause the drama.. When she is out doing something other than spending time with me. That’s my insecurity that I am working on.. Because it isn’t right and I know she can be trusted.

Shawnee will be moving into a new apartment and living with one of her girlfriends for the next year. This girl is one that I trust and respect. As far as Shawnee and her lesbian friends go, I got a chance to meet and hang out with them last time I was in Texas for the BBW bash. Once again, it was my overactive mind that made me think things were worse than they are. There was no interest in Shawnee from this one girl in particular that I was worried about. As a matter of fact.. She was doing her own thing most of the time. Shawnee and I had a lot of good alone time as well as time with her friends. I always end up worrying for nothing.. So, I am working on that too.

Linda (my ex wife) and I continue to have good communications as well. We still periodically get together for dinner and we keep in touch thru text messaging but, we are only friends now. Her and I will probably not have a relationship again. I find this sad and hard to accept, but that is the reality she made when she divorced me. I have been forced to move on in my life and I am doing so. I guess I am accepting of our divorce even thou it has been a long, hard road to do that. I guess this is why I joined Daily Strength in the first place, to get over my wife leaving me. Well I ever completely accept it? (Here I go crying again) I’m sure the day will come when

I won‘t be as affected emotionally. I was divorce years ago from my first wife and what hurt me bad back then means nothing to me emotionally now.

I have come to understand that I am a very emotional person. This is why I still cry everyday. There is nothing wrong with crying but, to not stay there is the key to moving on in life. I have great plans for my life and I am excited that I have a beautiful future. Even thou life is filled with its ups and downs.. Over all, its not that bad. With winter coming, it will be hard for me to keep a positive attitude. I get so depressed that time of year. So, maybe I will be back to write an update on here then! ~lol

I wanted to thank everyone for your love and support over the time I have been on here, and for helping me get thru my divorce. Its still not over but, in general I think its safe to say I won’t be writing on here for a while. In parting, I want to leave you with this song; “We Need Each Other" by the Christian band; Sanctus Real.

God Bless and be with you all~!!!

Much love and hugs,

~Eric

I feel like I have had it with everything right now. My work has offered me an early retirement option that I decided I cannot take because I cannot afford to live on less that half of what I make now. The reality of retirement and what I am going to do with my life has set in. I need to pay down my bills and start another supplement retirement fund in order to afford to retire. Linda got the supplemental retirement in our divorce. So, I am starting to develop goals and ideas to achieve a comfortable retirement.

Right now I am so unhappy with the way things are going in my life. I love Shawnee but I feel like we are always having issues. The latest being her life style is a little different than mine. She has single, bi, sexually promiscuous girlfriends that really bothers me that she has them as friends. It is not my place to tell her who she can hang out with.. etc. I figure if I don’t agree with her choices or lifestyle then I just best move on.

I am going to a (Big Beautiful Woman) BBW Bash this weekend and spending it with Shawnee. Her and all her friends will be there. She always insists that I have nothing to worry about as far as her bi girlfriends hitting on her goes. She says she is not interested in them sexually. To me it still makes me uncomfortable and I think I have become somewhat of a homophobe and don’t trust anyone that is gay or lesbian. Frankly, I am tired of feeling like I have to compete with another girl for my girlfriends affection and attention. It just isn’t right. If people want to live a bi lifestyle then I will let them.. But I personally need to stay away from that scene. It makes me too uncomfortable.

So, I am not totally looking forward to this weekend. I almost expect there is going to be something that happens and I am going to have to leave the room. I guess I am an old fuddy duddy but I don’t need things in my life that I don’t feel comfortable with. It seems like something always comes up between Shawnee and I. Last time it was her old boyfriend and this time it's a new girlfriend. I have just about had it with all the drama in my relationship with her. I guess no relationship is ever that easy but, there is always something she does that i don't care for.

I am not ready to break up with Shawnee just yet, but I can see that I am getting stronger in myself and it won’t be as hard on me when I do. It all seems to be coinciding with my new vision and plan for retirement. When Shawnee and I do breakup, I will just focus all my time and money on preparing to retire. Investing, planning to relocate, maybe travel to find a new place to live. Those are all things I have been considering. Maybe even going to a vocational college to learn web design so I can start a new business that I can work from anywhere in the world. I am still considering opening a pizza shop or even a coin operated car wash to have continued investment income well into my retirement.

I have been talking to Linda, my ex wife, about the possibility of getting back together again. I am not sure how that would work if we did. She was a very hard woman to live with.. So strict and stern, but part of me still feels an obligation to carry out my marriage commitment to her even thou we ended up getting a divorce. A divorce can always be a temporary thing, perhaps her and I have changed enough over the time apart to have success in a marriage again. I don’t feel too positive about that. That’s why if we do try to work things out, I will be very reserved. It makes me sad because part of me feels like it just won’t work. It is almost how I feel about Shawnee, it makes me sad that it just won’t work. even though I love both of them very much, but something is missing.. I know what that something is too….where is their love for me? I just don’t feel the love from them as much as I should.

I’ll let you know how things turn out.. Until then,

BIG hugs!!

~Eric

Here’s what’s been happening since my last letter. I ended up telling my local girl that I am involved with Shawnee. I told her things have been getting more serious between Shawnee and I, which they have. I was in a really bad place a few weeks ago and was hitting some new all time depression lows. I think part of it was because I was being indecisive about which girl to be exclusive with. I really got along great with “A”, and she lives in town, but because of Shawnee and my longevity of knowing each other, I decided Shawnee wins my affection. So, I will be exclusive with her and ride it out to see where we go as a couple.

I have come to a new peace about my life since reaching that all time low. I am now on antidepressants again (wellbutrin) so, that has helped a lot too. I don’t feel the pressures of trying to balance having 2 girls in my life. I still have times where I get lonely and Shawnee is too busy for me.. but, I am also finding out that I enjoy having some time to myself. I have been busy doing things around the house and doing things special that I like to do such as fishing, watching a movie or even going to the local casino and blowing some money. ~lol I have been on a kick to get my life organized and I have had the energy and motivation to do so. I really think it’s the meds I’m on.. I feel so much better these days about being on my own and about things going on in my life.

As far as Shawnee and my relationship with her goes. We are both now exchanging, I love you’s. There are still issues that come up from time to time but, over all things have not been so bad. Again, I think the anti depressant I am taking has given me a new sense of confidence where I rarely get jealous about her anymore. Sure, she still does things that stir my heart somewhat, but because of my positive self image, I feel like I could tell her goodbye if things really are that bad. Most of the time it is just my thoughts creating scenarios’ that don’t really exist and that comes from being so insecure with myself.

One thing I have been having an issue with is some of the crowd she calls friends. I know she is not as sexually promiscuous as some of her friends. One of them is a lesbian and she has taken a real interest in Shawnee. I don’t know if it’s a sexual attraction or just as friends. It still seems like it could lead to something. I almost feel like I am competing for Shawnees attention now because of this girl. We have already talked about it and we seemed to have come to an understanding that this girl is just a friend and Shawnee would not cross that line if this girl ever made advances on her. To me it is just more crap I have to deal with in having a relationship with Shawnee. So, part of me is just stepping back to let things take their course. Time is always a decider of things. I suppose if I had too, I would not hesitate to break up with Shawnee if I felt our relationship was violated. Now that we are more serious, I personally am not going to violate us with someone else.

As far as things with my ex-wife and I go, we are still getting along very well. We have gone to a couple of dinner concerts the past month and have had a good time. There is still no reconciling with her, we are just friends. She allows me to show her some affection, hugs, a touch on the shoulder or rub on the leg, even a kiss on the cheek. But, she is still a very emotionally cold person towards me. She says I have a distorted view of how things were in our marriage when I say it was not that bad. That is how I see things still. It was not that bad. I won’t argue with her view because I know she experienced things differently than I did. I can understand that I was not always the best of husbands. But who is ever the perfect spouse? All in all, I am accepting that our marriage didn’t work out for whatever reasons. I don’t even need to argue the points anymore.. Its been over for a few years now. I told her that I am at least glad that we can still be friends. She feels the same way. I trust God that if he wants us to get back together then it would happen in his time. I still love and care for Linda very much, but for now I am involved in a daily relationship with Shawnee.

So, today I am in a good place in my life and in my heart. I am making my life better each week. And am more accepting of being on my own. I am glad that I don’t feel so lost and lonely and unmotivated to do things. I will probably stay on the antidepressants for awhile. I really hate the fact that I have to have an altered reality, but because of the slump I was in, I am glad I finally snapped out of it. And I need to stay out of it~!

I will try to write again sooner to give more updates on things. I am going to be spending some time with Shawnee at the end of this month. I will let you know how things go. Thanks for listening!

Love and hugs,

~Eric