starlaw79's Journal

Have you ever just not known who you are? what your thinking? Have you ever been ok at the same time as not? At the moment that is me, i am not crying, i am not miserable but i am not content and i am not happy i just am. I feel like i am just existing day by day, I am getting things done, doing the housework getting the garden sorted but i am not getting any pride any pleasure from anything. I am back in a place i don't want to be, i am just not quite feeling anything just going through the emotions.

I want Simon back, but i don't. I keep asking him to stay again but he won't. i keep telling him that i miss him and all he can say is ' i know ' iv'e told him i love him but he can't say it back. The stupid thing is i only got here because he said he thought that all i wanted was sex so believing he wanted more i let myself think about the possibility of a future. You know although he has not said anything i can feel things shifted and i don't like it, he holds power over me again and i can't break free. at this precise moment i just don't know what to do, this thing called life seems to be drifting away from me. My soul feels like it is empty, there is everything and nothingness in my life. The thing that is the hardest is that i don't mind my life so much as the lonliness, which is not even lonliness it is emptiness and the voice in my head is driving me insane it is to loud. My thoughts are too loud and i am frankly bored with everything. I am bored with reading, bored with the computer, bored with movies and bored with the tv. They all pass the time but the pleasure has disappeared. Everyone keeps asking how i am and i say i am ok and i am but i am not too, i am fed up with not knowing myself not knowing how i feel or why. Oh i don't know i am boring myself just going on sorry.