ames76's Journal

I feel like such a jerk.  I told my son's father that he could see him today when I got off work.  I told him that he could met us at Toys R Us.  After thinking long and hard about my son and the situation, I came to the conclusion that it may not be a good idea.  In the past my son has had to see alot of shit between his father and myself that no child should have to see.  In the past, everytime I have taken my son to see his father, drama of some sort was a result somehow which I think has caused my son to act out after we got home.  My son was wetting and messing his pants for no known reason.  After a couple of months of not seeing his father (for many reasons), he has stopped the bazzare behavior.  Therefore, I cant help but to think that the behavior came from stress of the situation with his father.  I could go into detail about the situations but I dont want to rehash BS that is going to make me feel like shit more than I do now.  I thought about it alot and went over and over in my mind what was best for my son and I came to the conclusion that it was not the best thing for him to see his father today.  I had to call his dad and tell him not to meet us.  My son has also just stared kindergarden this week and has adjusted pretty damn good and is doing well.  I dont want to anything to upset him and screw up how well school is going for him.  I know in my heart that I am doing what I feel is best for my son at the present time.  Why do I feel so bad?  His father doesnt seem to understand at all why I think it is best for my son not to see him right now.  I feel like he is only thinking about himself.  I am not in any way trying to keep my son from having a relationship with his father.  I want badly for him to know and love his father.  I just dont want to stir up emotions in his little head that he is not able to talk about.  I have prayed about it and I honestly feel like I am doing the right thing for the right reason.  For once in my life.  I dont want the father to miss my son and I dont want my son to miss his father.  My son never talks about his father.  When I talk to him about his father he has no reaction other than to change the subject.  I have no way of knowing really how my 5 year old feels.  If my son was asking to see his father or even talked about him from time to time I would feel like I should let them see each other.  I have so much gulit for the things that I have let my son witness with me and his father.  I just want the best for my son!!  Am I doing the right thing?