ames76's Journal

I starting writting to a friend on here and before I knew it I had written a lot of my story.  I wanted to share it with yall.  Take from it anything that you think could possibly help you and leave the rest. 

I havent started working any steps.  My sponsor wanted me to get 90 days before we started.  I am ready, though.  I know what you mean about just exsiting.  I still feel like that at times.  Which is one reason that I am so ready to start working steps.  I am ready to do work and see results.  I dont know who I am at all.  I have used drugs in one form or another since I was 18 and they say that you stop maturing at the age when you start use and abusing drugs.  At first it was just pot and I remained a pothead for many years but about the time I was 20-21 I started wanting to experiment with "better" drugs.  And I did...for many years I considered myself a social drug user.  It wasnt until I got on the opiates (about 2-3 years ago) and realized I was taking them everyday all day and tried to stop...that is when I realized that I was an addict.  I tried using only on certain days or certain times of the day.  I tried changing up and doing coke instead of pills.  I tried only using drugs when I was happy, only when I was sad, lonely, ect.  Nothing worked.  My relationship with my ex (who was also hooked and had been in and out of rehab 2 times in 3 years) was going to shit.  We were physically fighting over drugs, money, he was cheating, I had cheated.  It was a mess.  We had hurt eash other beyond repair and there was no way that either one of us could get clean together so I left.  It was the hardest thing that I ever had to do.  It was harder than stoping using drugs.  I was just as if not more addicted to him than I was to the drugs.  I love him and I always will.  I cant even see him and be friends with him bc I still have such strong feelings for him.  It always leads me back to using for one reason or another.  Our relationship was never real great.  He has always taken advantage of my love and commentment to him.  He has no idea how to show love for someone.  I am not going to take his inventory...I just wanted to tell you a little about our relationship but I think you get the point.  After I left him, my using went to new lengths.  I no longer had someone there to try and control my using.  I was free to do what ever I wanted and this was a horrible thing.  At this point, no one knew that I had a problem with drugs.  Especially my mother who I had moved in with.  Therefore, I was on my own using and abusing drugs, people, whatever.  i would binge and go off and stay gone for days at a time.  At first it would just be the weekends when my son went to stay with his father but as the progression of the disease took over what I thought was a weekend would really be like a week.  I would come home and my mother would say where the hell have you been and I would say its only monday and she would flip (by this time she had realized there was a problem).  I could go on and on but I think you know how all that goes.  With the hurt I was feeling (or not wanting to feel) from being without my ex, the hassle of having to deal with living back at home with my mom and stepdad, and whatever other excuse I would find to use, it continued to be a daily habit.  i used pills everyday and a ton of them.  I went through 10,000 dollars in like 1 1/2 months.  When I would go out and binge I would use whatever the hell whatever dude I was hanging out with was using usually coke or crack on top of pills.  I was so scared of everything.  I was scared to live, I was scared to die, I was scared to stop using I was scared to keep on living how I was.  I finally asked for help but continued to use.  I couldnt figure out how to stop.  It took me about a year before I could put down the drugs for a few days at a time.  I remember the 1st time I went without any drugs for a week...I was so proud...I came to the conclusion that I didnt really have a problem...I could stop when I wanted to.  Which was SICK...real sick, but I honestly think that i didnt know much better at the time.  I now know that I had never really stopped bc I was still drinking to get through the times when I wouldnt use.  For a while after that I would stop using for a week or so only holding out for the next time I could get high, all the time thinking that I was getting better... SICK!!  After going to an Intensive Outpatient Program and attending a few meetings here and there all the while using when I could...I met someone that really spoke to me and said things to me that I really needed to hear.  He got me to my first outside NA meeting.  I am forever grateful to him.  It took me a while before I figured out how to stop picking up but I did and I am so truley grateful today that I dont have to use anything mind/mood altering.  Just for Today.  That is my story in a nutshell.