Sophiah's Journal

My first beta on Monday was 756.  Today (Wednesday) it was 1,921, and so all looks well (for now).  On Friday I go again for a third bloodtest.  To be honest, as excited as I am, I don't think I will relax until I hear the heat beating, and even then, I know that there is still a small chance I won't carry to term.  Fingers crossed!

I'm trying hard to keep my stress levels down and to not push myself too hard.  I've had some indigestion and a lot of fatigue/tiredness, but nothing too dramatic so far.  

This morning at 5 am, my cat Lola woke me up, and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep unless I took the damn test.  So I did, and now that I think about it, I must have been expecting it to fail again because as the second line materialized on the test (to indicate a positive) my first feeling was disbelief and delight.   I'm actually stunned. I really thought that given all we were up against (my "advanced" maternal age, my husband's morphology, and my stress levels due to work--and lets face it, my basice temperment) I really thought there was a chance I wouldn't be able to even get pregnant.  I'm totally stunned and not sure how to feel right now--other than a weird mix of happiness and fear (fear that I may lose it etc).

I'm 9 days past transfer, and I could have taken a hpt before now, but I've been holding off because I started teaching this week and didn't want to be a mess if it turned out to be negative.  So, I'm finally going to do a test tomorrow morning since I'm done teaching for the week.  

UGH. 

I'm feeling curiously little, kind of numb, because I don't know how to feel, and so am feeling nothing, since 12 hours could change everything, but until then, I'm in complete limbo.  It's a special kind of hell--this infertility no-man's-land.