Itsmytime's Journal

9.00 pm Sat Australia

Hmm feel very tired. Lots of thoughts, lots of emotions, not much sleep. I have realised so much in the last two weeks.

I am proud of me. I have also realised some stuff about my husband and I. (Past relationships and I too)

Drewe and I met 22 years ago, dated - for about 18 mths, I was a school girl, he was in the Australian Navy Academy in Sydney. He was my first 'love', my first choice. I loved him. I did stuff with him then, I both wanted to and didn't want to, but I definitely wanted him to love me. I did get some enjoyment out of it, but really didn't know how to.  Was mainly fearful, shy and embarrassed. Orgasm was not something I could do. Nor was oral.

Anyway, he moved onto the next training phase in Victoria (about 14 hours drive away). I told him about Dad in a letter. Apparently he wanted to drive back as soon as he got it and confront him. His mates stopped him going AWOL. I didn't know any of that. But I got a letter in which he wrote "I don't think I can say I love you". Well I'd just put my secret out there, and I'd been putting out for him, and the reason you did that was to get love, and he didn't love me. So I wrote back 'It's over' and went on to the next boyfriend - Adam.

Which in some ways was a good thing, 'cause he was very comfortable in his own skin, adored me and he helped so much to teach me to relax, how to enjoy it, and all those other things I couldn't do before. We were together 4 years. I owe him so much. He was soooo patient, kind, caring and loving and nothing was an embarrassment.

He was also a huge kid and I felt OLD. When he bought the ring I freaked and couldn't. He was devastated. I moved onto a man at Uni, who would become my first husband.  Yet, more that one year later when Adam finally stopped phoning me and found another girl, I was devastated.

I married my first husband, who had also been abused. I did for him, what Adam had done for me. While it took years, we finally had an ideal sex life. We were madly in love for years - held hands, gazed into each others eyes. I was the boss in the relationship however, he was very immature at things like getting a job, houses, kids, money, etc.

Unfortunately, my trust issues were not ideal. I asked him whilst walking hand in hand along a Perth (Western Australian) street one night, if he was glad he married me. He said 50% of the time. My heart froze. Stupid really. It was one comment, that he may not have meant either, but I put out, he HAD to love me. So our relationship changed.

The December before I asked that question, after 2 years of bliss, I remember feeling like I was the luckiest woman alive.    6 months later we had separated.   He said I could not tust, that I always had to keep count. He was right. He said that I never finished anything, he was right.

I pulled away emotionally, I thought 50% I'll only give you 50% and stopped 'working' at our relationship I went out often to bars etc with a girlfriend who was pushing me to have an affair like she did.  I was very easily led. 

I know now that what I wanted was for him to fight for me. Prove that he loved me without the sex, - he didn't. I said if he'd organise counselling I'd go - he didn't. I was so hurt I wanted to hurt him too.

My husband now - was posted to a ship in Perth and looked me up at the time when I was feeling most rejected by my first husband. Bad combination. I went out with him, held hands, had romantic conversations for hours.

The rift in my 1st marriage was huge - then I cheated. Needed love - get love through sex. It was a nightmare, awful 5 minutes which I instantly regretted. We separated straight away, My guilt was too great. Then he went off bonking a friend that was at our wedding. Not just a bonk though, days and days of intimacy and passion. He used to say that he could only ever be that intimate with me. It took him all of about 2 weeks to figure out that someone else was good too.

I had been thinking about trying again with him, till I heard that - then I felt worthless again. Wasn't worth fighting for, wasn't even worth waiting more than 2 weeks, and to do it with a friend. I was suicidal.

The doctor medicated me and made Hubby 1 move back into our house or he was going to hospitalise me. He was great through this time.  I was still talking to my current husband via telephone daily, as his ship had been posted to Sydney for 4 months.

Then, he was loving, supportive, intimate, sent flowers, said the three most romantic things to me in my whole life. He was a grown up. He made me feel protected, looked after, and loved via phone. He came back to Perth and moved in with me. All was OK.

Hubby 1 and I divorced after 16 months separation. We cryed at the courts and held hands while our decree was granted. It was soo sad. But the bubble had been broken. Mainly by me I now see. There were other reasons, but most of it was my sabotage. (didn''t help that his mother hated me for taking her little boy off her and my mum wasn't keen on him as a husband for me).

Hubby 2 and I married 18 months after my divorce. At that all romance left our relationship.  Why I don't know?  I felt that once the divorce was granted he didn't have to work to make sure I was his. Maybe not fair, but thats how I thought. 

We fell pregnant before the wedding.  For first 7 months of marriage, I threw up. Then baby made 3. He worked away a lot then, cause we had a silage business. I didn't feel unloved though. That came when my husband made the choice to move us to live back with my mother and FATHER on the farm they just bought in NSW.

We moved into a small small flat - 100 m from my parents house, with no water, none of my own things, no kitchen, showers where the tiles fell off onto you, toilets that housed the local bat and an 11 week old baby.  I was not even allowed to pack up my own house in Albany, Western Australia to move to NSW. My father-in-law did that. I felt invaded, powerless.

I didn't say anything.  I couldn't I was too depressed.  I missed the security and feeling of love with my first husband so much that it hurt.  We ate all meals with my parents, I lived under their roof, again, I had no control AGAIN.

My new doctor wanted to medicate me but I was breast feeding so wouldn't do it.  I realise now that I blamed my husband for moving me back into that powerless postion - and potentially harms way. We did not get on for years. I was so alone. I blamed him for not being affectionate, not talking, going away to work, whatever. But really I see I just felt I had no control.

We lived like that for 18 months. I only got hot water after a year because Drewe forced the issue with my father. Every day Mum made me feel not a good enough wife, or mother, or housekeeper. I hated it here. I lost 2 children here.

Finally I said to Drewe we buy something, anything, or I'm leaving anyway. He didn't want to be too far from the farm so we bought a house 7 minutes away. At least it was space. I would sit at home with my loss and my toddler, lonely, insecure, waiting for my husband to come home from work and fill me up, make me feel alive, fulfilled, something. He could not do this. Of course he couldn't.

We went to counselling. She was as useless as tits on a bull. She basically said I don't know why you're together.  She made Drewe so angry that he wanted to kill someone.  She only said 1 thing then that saved us / me. She said "it only takes one of you to change for the relationship to change". At first I though she was nuts. But she was right.

I joined some playgroups, got work with Tupperware, made friends for the first time since I'd left mine in WA without saying goodbye.  It changed me from being the needy, dependent, critisiser who was so depressed I couldn't keep my house clean and tidy, to being someone who was filling needs outside my marriage.  I felt useful and happier.  I fell pregnant again.

Then Dad died suddenly, on Scott 2nd birthday. I thought "trust him to have to ruin that day too" I've never told anyone that or most of this stuff... :) 

My world was turned. My depression lifted.   I got busy helping Mum, and running the family business ( her business) for free of course.  Got to make people love me.  Mum and Drewe clash.  I was always the passifier in the middle, it got very old, I was miserable. 

Mum would critise Drewe, almost daily, while taling about Dad as thought he was an f...ing saint. It was all I could do, not to scream at her somedays "He was a pig, I saw the kiddie porn on his computer, he was a scumbag, interferring old leach" Yet the constant negativity about Drewe made me feel critical of him too. It was like, "I would never interfere but Drewe...." I absorbed it. She was critical of hubby 1 too.  It was like - none of the choices I make are good enough, I am not good enough.

Eventually, I worked hard to organise to buy the farm from Mum. So she would have enough money to invest and live off and travel and leave us alone.  Get out of my head.  Even though Drewe has been gone for about 18 months of the 30 months we have owned the business, we have gotten on better. The last 6 months especially.  I stopped feeling as critical of him, he has tried hard not to shout, and he has gotten medication for his depression and it has made all the difference.

His moods before were oppressive and I felt on tender hooks when ever he was around. I would look around before he was due home trying to find what would upset him to fix it. Any criticism was like not getting love and acceptance, hence I felt like a failure.  I don't feel that now.  I feel strong enough to know that he is not really value judgeing ME.  Maybe the washing up, but not necessarily ME.

I owe him an apology. I blamed him for all our problems, and I was equally to blame.  I love him and I know he loves me.  Best of all he protects us - his family.  I know deep in my heart, he would not hurt me or the boys, he would not cheat, steal or lie.  He does not gamble, take drugs, smoke, drink, or have any other vices.  He is a good man, an honest man.  

If he can conquer the depression and work on being affectionate, and I can conquer my depression and past abuse behaviours, then maybe we'll be OK.  I don't know that I have ever believed that before.  I have thought of leaving many times. Maybe together we can tackle the issue of my mother.

 Now 10.30pm